sorry!

Sorry for not keeping up for the past 4 months! Here is life as it stands right now. Currently i am in NEW ZEALAND!!! I never thought i would get here yet here i am. spiritually i am growing but at the same time i feel a cave in. Right now we have been here for 5 weeks. I am getting into a serious state of introvertedness... thats right the side of me that none of you tend to see is rearing its ugly face. i am currently sitting out side the back of the house all the blinds around the windows facing where i am are closed. I love it here though the sky is currently covered with fast moving clouds and its a nice blue hew and a touch of pink. i am hungry for more of God at the time and i pray that that hunger continues. I do miss my one on one times with people back home. There are families i miss more than ever right now and things i wish i could be back for. wow that was amusing i have no idea what just happened but there was girls screaming and pans crashing and clanging in the kitchen just now. Any way back to what i was saying. life here is so busy we really have no down time and now that i am on housekeeping i have NO freetime to do anything anymore. I still need to do one on one time with my small group leader and come up with a plan for our group time on wednesday but i have had no time to do that. I honestly have no idea an i am just living life second by second here. I got to call my grandma for the first time since i have been here and that was the greatest thing ever! I not only got to talk to her but my Great aunt and uncle Kathy and Jim. It was great convos and i do miss them. Its odd having been in school for a little over a month and hearing about all the little kiddos from back home starting up preschool and elementary school or even middle and high school. I have been in contact with those starting college and its hard to be honest. i do wish i was back home at points. I would love more than ever to be there when my sister walks through the door this week home from the marines. Yet at the same time i know what God has called me to do with my life and that also puts a bit of fear in my life in a good way though. I like knowing im going in the right direction in my life right now and i know my calling beyond right now but this right now is preparation for what is to come. I honestly dont know if and when i will come back to the states. I am officially here as of now till dec 27th but that looks like it may change if all this keeps up.

Far Beyond....

So lately I have had a switch flip in my life in a good way as far as I am concerned. I have applied for YWAM in New Zealand so I am to hear this week on if I get accepted and I am nervous. I have no backup plan if this falls through at this point. On that note I have taken this step totally blind not knowing what will happen. I am praying for success on this one for once. Im not going for the middle ground of oh I tried if i don't get this i will be upset. I am looking forward to getting out of the house, seeing the world, and sharing my faith all at the same time.The bible study I have been doing with my Well family has been a great lesson. We have been doing Phillippians by Matt Chandler some great stuff. I also have been learning a lot in Acts since we are going over that at The Well. I also have been trying to get in the hang of doing a quiet time each day. I must say that is something I needed in my life. I love it, it is such a great way to grow. I have learned to be real and come to him like a child. I have to say i did learn from little kids. As my babysitting gig has somehow transformed in to somewhat of a full-time job at this point. I always see how blunt kids are and that is how I am trying to be with God. He tells us to ask and have faith like a child yet i never took that serious or understood what it meant to come to him with faith like a child. Everyday I get more blunt with him about relationships and YWAM. He knows my heart and I am learning my heart and what is in it.

Along with this I want to bring a song in to this blog. I heard this for the first time ever on Sunday at The Well and it was totally my prayer for my life as I was standing there singing it.

"We Will Worship You" Lyrics
by Carlos Whittaker | from the album Calros Whittaker - EP


We fix our eyes on You, You are God alone
We fix our eyes on You, You’re our only hope
For all we have to lose is our very souls

We fix our eyes on You, You are God alone
We fix our eyes on You, You’re our only hope
For all we have to lose is our very souls

Save us from these comforts
Break us of our need for the familiar
Spare us any joy that’s not of You
And we will worship You
Yeah, we will worship You

Satisfy us, Lord, in Your unfailing love
Satisfy us, Lord, that You would be enough
We have nothing here, let Your kingdom come

Save us from these comforts
Break us of our need for the familiar
Spare us any joy that’s not of You
And we will worship You
Yeah, we will worship You

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Save us from these comforts
Break us of our need for the familiar
Spare us any joy that’s not of You
And we will worship You
Yeah, we will worship You



My favorite part of this song is this:
Save us from these comforts
Break us of our need for the familiar
Spare us any joy that’s not of You
And we will worship You
Yeah, we will worship You

If we were real with God about this a lot of us would have to say we want to stay in our comfort but if you stay there you will be stuck and will go no where. I have been taking so may steps in faith out of my contorts and God has been taking me out of the familiar because He has joys that are beyond me if I choose to follow Him with my heart. I just looked at my life recently and noticed that this song right where I am is my story at this time. I pray that it continues to be my story and my reflection of God and who He is and what He has done for me in my life. I hope if you get the time you will listen to this song sometime. We all get stuck in the familiar and the comforts in life because we like those sometimes or a lot of times. It takes a growing person to step out of those things and totally lean on God. Thats all I have for now...maybe I'll have more to say later.

Your arms hold me together!

K so I wanted to take some time to write this week out of the craziness of life. As you know if you read my last post I am working on a conference and it is this Saturday. Well in the past week God had brought me to new places in my faith through the planning process of the conference. Last week we lost sponsorship for the conference cause they backed out. I was a wreck trying to find a way to get the $400 we would need to pull off the conference! I broke down on Saturday in the car on my way home from Como. I had no idea what to do and I had been asking God a whole lot of questions like Why now? Why did this happen? And even what i was to do. I ended up making a call as i came to the Hudson bridge and talked with a wonderful woman. She had asked me a few questions like Does God really what this to happen or is it a door that is closing? I to be honest didn't like to think that it could be God closing that door considering i slammed that door in his face when i said no a few years back. I also couldn't wrap my head around the fact that all those times i was thinking of backing down from this He would do something so big that i knew that i was to keep moving froward with the conference. She had prayed on the phone with me over the situation and we hung up. The rest of the day i couldn't get past that question and the idea of being ok with the door closing on me if thats what God wanted. All throughout the day little things would point to move forward and Trust in God. i was unsure if that was me wanting to believe that thats what He wanted or if it was Him. I left the house to go to bible study that night and oh my did God make it clear what i needed to do. I needed to keep going but He had to have ALL CONTROL. Durning small group we split off and did a time of confession and man i spilled over. I told the women i was with about my control problem and wanting to know the out come of what was going to happen but knowing God had to have all control and i just needed to trust in Him and how i was afraid to. I like knowing weather things will work or not before they happen so i can brace myself but this time God said NO!! After that one of the girls had an idea to get the money. We went back down stairs to meet up with the guys and pray as a group. I shared the situation with the group to be prayed over and if you know me i'm known to smirk when i ask for prayer but i will admit this is the one time i didn't smirk. I just didn't see how God could do it. However the group had a few ideas. I left that night with $65 for the conference.

I went to church the next morning with a different attitude. I had seen Alisha who is the speaker for the conference and shared what happened with her and the pastor who hold the small group i go to came over and said i looked like a different person compared to the night before. He jokingly said to us that maybe I should tell my speaker that she needs to charge less. We laughed as she said "i'm not getting paid i'm doing it out of love and kindness!" Before He left he said "Don't worry we got it covered." My mind was racing what does that mean? but i chose to trust him and that night when i got home from babysitting one of the guys from my small group was on facebook and opened a chat with me and said he had a guy who would sponsor me for what ever we don't have by Thursday!!! That made me overjoyed in seeing how God works and brings things together in His timing and His control if we just let him! So i'm still looking for sponsors but knowing that if i keep getting turned down that there is a person who will cover what i need! God provides in ways we never think and we just need to be in His arms and trust cause He will hold us together!

long time no post...

Well most of you may or may not know what has been going on in my life lately so here goes nothing...For the past few months i have been planing a conference called Identity In Him Women's Conference. It for women in highschool and college looking to find their true identity in Christ. I have noticed an increase in women that age struggling with identity in life. Last month i went through a drought in my ability to do things that are so big and out there. This conference being one of them i hit the bottom and was unsure how to do this anymore but God kept telling me and giving me little things to show the direction. I was at the bottom one night so badly and i was at a Barlowgirl concert in MN. Well Alyssa was talking about one of their songs called a million voices. She had said that our generation need to be bold and do those things that people believe we cant do and how the media lies to us and how we need to change our world! That was like a slap in the face to me and i needed that it has lit a huge fire in me and has opened may doors for me. This conference is now 1 month away and on April 10th i will be sharing in front of a group of women a story of changing you name. I found this thanks to the concert. Alyssa had struggled with something huge in her life and found Is. 62 helpful in knowing if you let God take you he can change your name. I had been holding names on myself that had no need to be there. I love the name Beloved! That is my name to God thats how he sees me!

Well along with that there is a lot of fighting about peoples futures in our house. I have been wanting to do YWAM for a few years now and i decited to listen to God and chase down that dream. I am working on my app for going. Yes as usual my dad hated the idea of me doing it yet at the same time he condones it. Now i feel like i have been flying under the family radar by planning the YWAM decision. The focus and fighting turned off me on to my sister after a week of my dad hating my idea for my life and him trying to push me in the direction he thought i should go. He had had my sister sold on his idea of the air force and well she decited to not go that way and go into a different branch. My parents have been fighting with her for the past month about this choice and well tonight they sign the papers letting her do it. However i know i will still be lashed out on in frustration and anger over her choice cause its been that for for a while now. there is soo much tension in the house everylittle thing can set anyone person off at any moment. The attitudes are hard to deal with. We have turned into a family of yelling and fighting and i hate it. I try to stay out of it and keep my mouth shut but even getting your breakfast ready in the morning can open a door for a fight because there is no milk. Its not that you said anything about it but one person will turn around and yell "There is no f-in milk!" then another person will lash out on you and try to get you to join in. i have made note of this to just walk away. But how many times can one do that when the words coming out of ones mouth is soo hurtful to the one on the receiving end. I am focusing on where God is leading and i know he has a way out of here for me and i need to wait for it to come. It hurts to not have family support in the decisions i make but i found it makes me a stronger person and my ability to stand up for what i know is truth in life! They may not help with with YWAM or this conference but God has placed a good family around me to support me in my life.

I went to meet Alisha who is a great woman and the speaker for the conference the other day and she saw me like i have never been. I was confident, stong, and happy! She has always seen the struggle in my life and has helped me through. She loved to hear all that was going on and kept telling me it was great to see me smile again and confident in God's leading on my life. I was fearless in a way for once. She was excited to hear my future plans and is supportive of what is in the makings for my life! Another few people who have been a huge encouragement in my life would be Pastor Dave and his family. Dave and his wife are great to open there house to about 20 college age students at 9pm on a saturday for a biblestudy! Last week Dave during a prayer request i had looked over and noticed me smirking while i was asking for prayer over what was going on. Dave just looked at me and said "Syd i love how you smirk every time you ask for prayer. You just make me smile cause your smirk gives me the I know God's going to do something and my family just doesn't know it look when you do that! You just have confidence in the fact that God will do something!" I thought about that on the way home that night and i came to the conclusion that if i couldn't smile while asking for prayer over something i know God will do something with then would my faith in him be real. I mean if i asked for prayer thinking God could do nothing that would just be a huge joke. I mean i smile cause i know God is the one that matters in my life and i wanna live for him and if we don't ask we will never get an answer. So i smile knowing God is there listening and will give an answer in time. Dave's wife has been another huge help in my life right now with my YWAM application. She has talked to me and is supporting me and helping me with my questions and application and is in prayer for me and this. Her kiddos are soo sweet too. I know that whole family will be praying for this for me and it makes me excited! Her son and daughter where watching the application come out of the printer sheet by sheet and where excited to hear where God my bring me!

I love all you out there and God bless each one of you!

Who am I?

Who am I is the question i have had in my head since this car crash i was in on Dec.2 2009. I'm trying to get over the fact that i may be out for the season on a few of my fav things. I may not be able to snowboard or ski this winter and this summer who knows maybe no volleyball or kayaking. Its all up in the air. I just wish i could go back to that day and never get into that car accident. I feel like i have lost some of the things that i love. Its hard for me to sit on the sideline and watch others do things i wish i could do. I miss having the option to say Yes to those things verses having no choice and saying NO cause i know it will hurt my shoulder or back. I miss just going out and doing things. I want to say yes again. I don't find joy in photography anymore either cause i have always done it while doing things i like. Now i cant get those shots i wanted to get out on the ski hills this year. I hate the slowness to my life right now. I want the ability to do things again. I miss playing sports and going out on the hills and sledding or boarding. Its been hard to see photos of these kinds of things thinking if i didn't get into the crash i could have been out there too! I feel like i don't know who i am any more....I'm not as active as i have been and i am tired of not doing things i loved. I want to be able to at least pick up my camera and have a bit of joy in taking photos again. I miss that feeling of turning something into a piece of art.Now I guess i need to learn how to take beautiful pictures from the sideline and not out in the mist of the action...I just don't know how to be that person...I just don't know who i am any more and i wish i did at this point.

Whats on my forehead?

K so today was just one of those dumb depressing days. I was all excited today when a friend told me of a job opening but due to school i could get there right when she told me about. At school i had a horrid day in the dark room along with the essay i was working on. All day i was looking forward to getting off school and going to get a job app. While when i finally got to the place to get an app the woman at the register looks at me and says the positions that were open have already been filled but we will keep your app on file when you bring it back. First off not what i wanted to hear secondly I needed that job!! Seriously i need a job so bad i will stoop as low as cleaning toilets for a living right now eventhough thats one of the last things i would want to do. I need a job so i can move out and pay for school. I feel like something is written on my forehead that just screws me over on things. I just want a job. Finding one is the hardest thing now a days!! ugg i wish that my dreams weren't so out there that i could accually attain them. But i guess the saying that "Dreams are for sleeping" is one of the truest things these days.

2 Corinthians 3:18

As most of you know i have attended a camp called Wood Lake Bible Camp for 5 years. Well I made it 6 this year due to the fact i went as a cabin leader for 2 weeks. The first week was Sr. High week. I wanted to be up there that week cause the thursday of Sr. High week was the week i accepted Christ in to my heart and i wanted to share that with the campers!! Well I was a co leader with a girl i knew from a winter retreat up at camp and her nae is Jenny. I have to say camp was different this year. We didnt have Leslie and her family there as the camp deans for the week and JAH, Whitney, Isabell, and the band did not make it this year either. However we still had an amazing week. Jenny and I had a cabin of Freshmen girls the first week together. I found out 6 of the 13 girls in the cabin were from my town and out of the 6 i knew 3. I had my loved little one Sydney she has been my minni me for 6 years now. Her mom was my small group leader in 8th gread when i started going to church. Well as the week went on frustration and tention started building. Our entire cabin with the excption of one girl where compleetly united. We never really got over that at all but oh well. One night i was broke there was alot going on behind the senes over the days. When i got there i was extreemly excited to be up there and i love the girls in the cabin. Well monday comes and my dad had called the office cause he couldnt get ahold of me on my cell. So i called him back during my freetime. Bad choice on my part....I got yelled at the entire time i was on the phone with him... I was getting hit with things like your waisting your time doing dumb stuff like this for free life is about money and business. You need to stop foolishy using your time hanging out with teens. Your not going back next week... ect. This continued everyday till wednesday when i told him not to call me cause no matter how many times he called i couldnt leave anyway!!! That first day however i was so broke on monday during my freetime after that phone call i took my journal to the front step of the cabin and i was going to journal and anna walked by.. Anna was someone i was not to fond of till the last day of camp last year and i was unsure if i wanted to talk to her about my life just yet. how ever she saw something was going on and stoped in her path and asked if i was ok and if i wanted to talk. Me being who i am said i think im fine yah ill be fine. Jenny had came back from the store and joined me on the step and i had told her what was going on with my dad and back came anna so we both quick changed the convo. Well the fact that we changed the convo did nothing at all Anna gave me the "stair down" and when she gives that it instills fear in a person and in her stern but loveing and caring voice she said you will find me during the campers freetime and we will talk about whats going on. all i said was k i mean what else could i do... Well we did end up talking and boy was i glad i did. We have the same kinda relationships in our family with us being the only christians so she was a great encouragement and on top of it she knows some people who play big roles in my life. I also what was going on with my cabin buddy Amanda! She is another amazing girl who i was blessed to meet. Cabin buddies would hang with the kids while we were in meetings and they would come do devos with us at night.

So all week the sermon was on reflecting God's glory..never thought i would get sooo much out of a sermon the entire week. I figured one night i would compleetly relate to the sermon but it was odd each day went with what was going on in my life that day. One night we talked about steping out in faith and we had an alter time. Well he did the whole close your eyes....If you want to make a commitment to God saying your going to step out and follow him please come to the alter.....If you want to commite to accept him in your heart please come up.....and lastly if you are going to live your life for God and let nothing get in your way please come forward... We prayed then we were allowed to open our eyes i was brought to tears by what i saw ALL my girls in my cabin we at the alter making a commitment to God!!!! I could not have been more blessed to see that happen!!!! Well the girls wanted to hear my faith story from begining to end and i told them i would share it...Amanda was super excited to hear it to!! The last nigh of camp i was sooo nervious they wanted me to tell my whole life everything good bad and ugly. Well I did everything from the attempts to take my life, to the abuse, to what kept me alive. Sydney was in tears when she heard that if it wasnt for her and her mom Jody being there to teach me about God i dont know if i would be here. All she could do was look me in the eyes and ask "Does my mom know this?" I told her No only a few people know my entire story. Another one of my girls was mad that someone would abuse a little girl. I think it was a good way to end that week. I love those girls and miss them loads...

So the campers all left and i had to yet again give peggy a ride home from camp like i have for the past 2-3 years now. Amanda was worried and so was Anna that i wouldnt be back the next week but after hearing a sermon that week and knowing where God wanted me and the fact that it was an once in a life time oppertunity i was totally going to be at camp for the 5th-7th graders the next week. So i went to the office to hand in my paper work and Tim the director pulled me in his office and asked if i would be back and i said no doubt! He told me i wouldnt be with Jenny when i came back but i would have a Jr. cabin leader with me by the name of Billie!! I was soo excited i loved picking on billie for the fact she couldnt get the hula hoop to work sr.high week. Well i knew that i would have to find a place to stay for saturday night to sunday. So i texted my mom saying i had to be up there for the next week. Well i got home found a card on my bed for a wedding shower for a friends wedding i was in so i called and one of my friends who just got off work picked me up and brought me over. On my way to the shower i got a call from my Sunday school teacher Alisha! I told her what was going on and that my dad was mad about my decission to go work up at camp for free and that he didnt want me home between camps so she let me spend the night at her place.

So i get back to the house after the shower and i went to put stuff in the dryer and i ran up stairs to grab something and my dad stoped me and did the whole strict voice "What do you think your doing here?" bit on me and i told him i was grabbing some things i needed then i would be gone so i grabbed hangers and put all my 1/4 dry clothes on hangers and put them in the car and started to drive. Called Alisha and she didnt sound like herself so she told me what was going on and that she wouldnt be talkative like normal or hyper and perkie. I told her that was fine.. I was sooo tired from camp that i really wanted introvert time. Well I got to her place and she helped me with my wet clothes and we put them in the dryer we made a pasta dinner then decited to watch a movie...This part is funny k so we wanted to watch mall cop tried for 1/2 an hour to get it to work then gave up. The ones she wanted to see i had already seen and we couldnt find one that neither of us had seen that we wanted to see. So she did the whole "K so if you had to watch another one of the movies agin what movie would it be and could we watch it?!!?" I told her excitedly "TAKEN!!!". I have seen it twice and i would love to see it again!!! So thats what we did. I had to laugh cause she would be commening on things in the movie and she got frustrated at one point paused it and said " Well when me and betty went to irlend we did.....ect." I couldnt stop laughing in my head cause she stole the next lines of the movie right before he had the chance to say them. Well on and off throughout the entire movie she would make comments. We hit a point and we need a bathroom/laundry break so we paused the movie and i did my laundry and we ended up talking about the entire weeks worth of sremons form Sr.High camp and she sat there and took notes then we made ice cream sundays and finnished the movie. The next day we got up and got ready for church. Wow what a weekend to have her in my life. We did something totally different than anything we had done before at church. We played songs and when through the A.C.T.S. of prayer. It was amazing that God blessed me with such an amazing woman there by my side when i was falling apart. After service we had class it was neat cause she took some of the notes we taked about from the night before and used them in class. After that i was off to camp.

I got there drove to my cabin and Billie was already sitting on her bed ready to have fun!! I was soo excited to see her and she was excited we were going to be together the whole week. So i went to move my car back to the parking spot on the upper part of camp. So i walked down and Anna was sitting on her front step of the cabin and i was soo happy to see her. She was happy i was back and asked me how it went when i got home and i told her i ended up staying with Alisha and i told her Alisha said HI!! i found out when me and anna talked the first week they work together along with betty who was my cabin leader for the retreat one winter there. Well we got our cabin of girls finally and we had 13girls! I knew none of them Jenny had all the girls from hudson again. Dinner came and i forgot to tell Amanda i was back cause last she heard i wanted to but was unsure if i was able to. So she just so happended to be serving the line we were in and she was amazed i was back!! I was just hoping i would have her as a cabin buddy again but i figured Jenny would have her. That was fine with me too. Needless to say i was slow getting to our cabin that first night for devos and of course i had the bed behind the door so when you open the door you see nothing behind it and i was standing in the doorway talking and i finally closed the door and screamed cause there was Amanda sitting on my bed!! It was awesome to have her back i found out she traded to be in my cabin!!! Me and billie decited to do one on ones with the girls to get to know them and where they are in faith and the monday one of the girls decited to accept christ in her life so that was awesome!!! tuesday night the girls wanted me to share my faith story and not just parts but all. I was a lot more nervious this time than i was the week before I didnt know if i could handle telling them some of the things. Well i did share everything i was shaking the entire time and had a hard time making eye contact well telling them my story but it was so relivent to the point we wanted to make to them. That point was that the only beauty that matters is the beauty God sees in you not what others see or want you to be. That night my story became reality when i went to sleep. I was back in those woods I could hear all the lies and horrid words he yelled at me. He was hitting me all over again and touching me in ways that he never should have been. Well needless to say it felt like reality so much that i found out i scared my campers cause i was sleep talking. They ended waking up billie and had her wake me up. The next morning when billie woke me up for our meeting she asked me if i was ok and if i knew i was sleep talking. I told her i had no idea. She told me how a few of the campers were scared to wake me up cause i was moving around alot and saying things like no...stop...stop it....h...e...l...p... She told me she asked me if i was ok when i was in my dream and i said no and she said i was sleep talking and i snaped out of it. Well as the day went on i was scared it would keep happening at night. One day at camp Anna, Jenny, Amanda, and I were all standing around talking and Amanda wanted to hear Annas story so anna told us. As she was talking Jenny looked over at me and told me i needed and shoudld talk to anna cause we have been through alot of the same things and she thought it would help so did Amanda and Billie too cause that same day they said the same thing. Well we hit the day were we play the relay race our cabin was excited but 1 of the girls was sick so i decited to sit out then another one got sick with something else then one was hurtting. so i went to the cabin and took care of the two sick girls. Another girl came down to the cabin sick then one came down hurt. So we were sitting in a dark cabin girls sick and hurtting all over the cabin and i started feeling sick. I heard some of the most amazing things out of these girls during that time. One looked and me and said "satan is trying to take us down one by one would you pray please just pray!!!" So i did i just prayed my heart out for these girls and the camp. as i was doing so the nurse walked in. After about 10mins of her being gone one of the girls was feeling worse and another one of the girls asked me to just read my bible it didnt matter what i was reading out of it they just wanted me to read it. wow those girls amazed me time and time again!!! The next day we all felt fine however my heart was still hurtting and i hadnt had a chance to talk to anna and i broke down during evening worship. I was soo thankfull for Jenny next to me holding me and knowing what i was broken over and she asked me in my brokenness and tears if i had talked to anna all i could do was shake my head..Then devan game me a hug and billie grabbed my hand and held on the oppiset side jenny was on. When worship was over i gave them all hugs and David came over and just gave me the biggest hug i have ever got from a guy. Even while we where in our little staff prayer time i was still shakking and in tears and amanda just held me along with my friend shelby. That was the last night of camp. I never did get the chance to talk to anna at camp but i did send her the questions i wanted to ask her. I miss everyone from camp staff and campers!!! Hope this was worth reading for those of you who read it!!


"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:18