Whats on my forehead?

K so today was just one of those dumb depressing days. I was all excited today when a friend told me of a job opening but due to school i could get there right when she told me about. At school i had a horrid day in the dark room along with the essay i was working on. All day i was looking forward to getting off school and going to get a job app. While when i finally got to the place to get an app the woman at the register looks at me and says the positions that were open have already been filled but we will keep your app on file when you bring it back. First off not what i wanted to hear secondly I needed that job!! Seriously i need a job so bad i will stoop as low as cleaning toilets for a living right now eventhough thats one of the last things i would want to do. I need a job so i can move out and pay for school. I feel like something is written on my forehead that just screws me over on things. I just want a job. Finding one is the hardest thing now a days!! ugg i wish that my dreams weren't so out there that i could accually attain them. But i guess the saying that "Dreams are for sleeping" is one of the truest things these days.

Why does this always happen to me!

I am tired of the comments flying around this house about me. Yes i have reached the point where i constantly feel like i have to defend myself against what is being said. I don't care if i am not up to their standards i just want to be up to the standards God has on my heart and we all fall short. I don't like it when people use my faith against me by saying "Isn't that what a "good" Christian would do?" or "Your faith is a cult!". I am sick of it. I just want to leave but i have no where to go. I have been running to God for so long that i feel that that is the only safe place anywhere for me to go. People keep telling me my dreams are useless and will get me nowhere in life. Well its not life i am worried about i am worried about not doing what God whats from me.God is the one in charge and He rules my life. At least i believe in Him and finally trust Him. I understand that no human will love me like He does i just wish my earthly family would love me too. I honestly feel like i don't know how to dream anymore. Every time i try to have dreams of what i would like to do and i share them i hear "thats dumb", "You won't make money doing that",and "you wont be any good at that.". I understand we all go through hard stuff in life and God will never give us more than we can bare. I would like a time away from the house. I totally wish my grad party was not the weekend of the Spiritual retreat. That is something i will have to do sometime. For some restoration time. I guess maybe this summer i will take a week and go pitch my tent and live a week with no electronics. I think it would be nice to do that again. God grant me strength to get through this!

Angry bridesmaid!

K well i think teen weddings well need the help and organization of an adult. I vote that they should use their heads a little. If you tell a bridesmaid the day before the fitting that they need $100 the day before how do you expect them to have it? Where is the money tree??? Oh boy there have been so many last min. things with this wedding planning its driving me up the wall! I mean if ya tell me earlier i will have the money but the day before!!! I have been saving all my money for my trip cause we never had a day planned for the dresses and we don't even know what they look like!!! uggh o well i guess no more trip for me all that money is going to a dress i will only wear once!

How long can you believe a lie?

I have been extra stressed lately. I can never seem to hit the ground running in the right directions these days. Pressure from school,college, deciding what to do next year, family, friends, Faith, work, everything is building pressure. I don't handle stress great cause i enternalize everything! I wont tell people how i feel unless they can see it. I always feel that if they cant tell then they dont care. Parents are pushing me to make decissions and it seems everytime i do they dont like the one i make. Trying to have faith right now is crazy hard. I keep falling and breaking. I get beat down and i beat myself up over it. Past come back and haunts me and makes me believe the lies satan is telling me. School well its my last year for highschool and that in its self is enough pressure for me but on top of that lets through in planning a grad party that is 1 and 1/2 months away! As for College my bible class i take on saturdays is great but it messes with my schedule like none other i get out of bed early or late i never seem to get out of the house at the right time! Deciding my life for next year i just want to through in the rag and give up! I dont wanna go for business and all my dreams for the next year keep getting pushed away and knocked down by what my parents expect of me! Its my life i wanna decide what to do! Family life well its stressful like always! Constant battle for me to do the right thing, make the right decission, not messing up, saying the wrong thing, and not making anybody mad. Come on! Friends well what about it! Some of them make me feel like they are using me to get something like rides or other things. Don't really have those deep friends anymore cause everyone else is always doing things together. Or like the big thing now is all the teens that went to Mexico they are their own click again so the few peeps i did talk to kinda ignore me now. The job thing i love the babysitting and nanny jobs i do it is one of my passions to be able to work and have fun with kids. However helping my mom with her 2 businesses not my passion or even something i want to be over involved in cause i cant stand that. The rav. business is the only one i could see myself doing something with cause i am the only one in the fam out of the kids who likes doing that. The pressure builds continually and i am having a hard time with this all and no one is around to talk anymore! I dont know how long i can believe the lies i tell myself to get through the day.

I tell my self i can handle all the pressure! I can run a business or 2! I can set aside my dreams and passions to do something i dont want to do! I can cram more in my week! I dont need friends! I dont need to talk to people! No one really cares about whats going on in my life! I am not worth anything! and so on there are so many lies i tell myself in a given day its sad.

I God has been breaking me of my ways slowly and its still a daily struggle to believe everything God says is true! if ya took time to read this sorry for my ranting but i needed to put it out there i dont care if you care or not i just had to do something to relieve some pressure.

Young kid with BIG love!

K so today i had received a call from my youngest sister saying my dad was in the hospital. I drove to Hudson from Afton knowing nothing about what was going on. Just for someone to be out there praying over the situation i called MaJ. Hearing a loving voice gave me enough to get home. When i got close to Hudson i called my mom and she said that they didn't know what caused it to happen but he would be staying the night and he would be getting a cat scan in the morning. Well we got another call around 630 from mom saying dad would be coming home. They have no idea what cause his heart and breathing to be affected that way and said it could have been a Muscle spasium due to stress. So he was able to come home and we have no idea what cause it. Well i called MaJ after i dropped off my dad prescription. I was leaving a message when all of a sudden i heard "How are you?" i said i was doing good. Then in an eruption i hear and eager "HOW IS YOUR DAD?" "IS HE DOING BETTER? IS HE OK?" I told little J that my dad was doing good and i got the whole "REALLY?!?" so i just told him Yah my dad is doing really really good. I dont think i have ever had soo much comfort from so few words from an 8 year old before. That kid has so much love for people. What a heart he has for people.

confussion....

In my bible class on the old testament we where talking about 1Timothy. It was a great class but I left more confused about what I want to do with my life! Youth ministry is what i want to go in to and feel let to. So i was going to go you Youth pastor. Well we talked about The Authority of Women.(1Timothy2:11-14) And The Church and Its Leadership. Well i dont think i have ever questioned anything more than this now. It says a womans job teach. However acording to 1Timothy a woman is not allowed to be a pastor. So how would you even get a job in a church working with a Highschool youth group full time with out having the title of "Pastor"? I mean just because i have this passion and desire and i have been following through with my commitment I dont want to end up with an empty heart over this. I am trying to follow where God is calling but This class is giving me things to dig deeper in and try to get through. I have done a mentorship last year with a youth pastor and it was a woman youth pastor but I don't want to go against what God has said. So its a big ball of yarn to unwind. If anyone could help on this topic Please let me know. I am going to talk to some pastors and see what they think.

Who knows what the future holds....

As many know I am at the point where I need to decide what to do with my life. People as questions like "What do you want to be when you grow up?","Where are you going to go after highschool is over?", and "What is God leading you to do?". I have been dealing with this alot lately well i can tell you the answer to 1 of the 3 questions!

I want to work with youth at a church. I love helping others and i am gifted in it. I had the chance to intern under a youth pastor i met at camp a few years ago. I loved it answering questions, leading discussions, helping with activities, and planning things! Helping people is a huge thing i love to do! anyone who knows me well knows this!

As for where is God leading me! Well working with youth at some point talking to kids about struggles in life and having the faith to get through it with God!

Now for number 2 well at this time God only knows where i will end up. I am struggeling with knowing what God wants and what my parents want. I want to do YWAM or FMMC like God wants not go to school and get a degree in business to take over one of my pa's companys cause i know i will not like that at all. I mean as it is I totally dislike economics with a burning passion!!!!

I talked to many people and for the most part people are telling me to go to business school then if i still feel led to do what God wants then its ok to do that. Well to me that goes back to the way socity thinks "The more eduication the better the job and the more of an adult you are!" Well let me tell you something the pressure is too much if i do any thing to please someone i want to please God! I know it will be one of the hardest things ever but its going to be alright!

The best advice i have got so far is from a close friend i love but have never had the chance to personally meet yet. She told me this tonight while we where talking about this:
"If you know that God is calling you to do something different than what everyone else wants you to do- follow Him. Everything else will work out in due time and if it doesn't, it's their hearts that are wrong."

Days of Joy!

Well on Friday Dec. 19th I took Kar to The Nutcracker Ballet. Wow what a day that was! I had to get up at 6:30am and those of you who know me well know i am not a morning person. Well i ended up leaving the house without breakfast that morning but i was excited to go and get Kar! When i got to the house she was looking beautiful in her little Christmas dress! We did photos before we left then we had the 45min car ride to the ballet. I never heard her ask so many questions ever. She was sooo excited to get there and i was the same way. Well We got there and she didnt want her shoes to get dirty so she asked if i would carry her till we got inside. So unable to resist the cute face she gave me when she looked at me i caved and said i would! We walked for what seemed like forever but we finally got in and got main floor seats! We were 7 rows from the stage. She could wait till it started. Part way through the first part of the play she asked the cutest thing i have ever heard. "Cindy Why aren't they talking?". Well i couldnt help but giggle at that it was too cute. She sat in my lap for most of the first half of the play then the break came. We sat there and she didnt want to wait any longer for the second part to start she wanted it to keep going so there was no break. Well when it finally did start my stomach was starting to make noises. About 10min into the second part of the ballet Kar looks and me and says "Im tired and hungry! When will it be over i want to eat?" about another 10-15mins later i am sitting there with her next to me laying in her chair watching the ballet and now i am thinking "I am hungry and tired when will this be over.". I never thought i would be the one thinking that. Well when the ballet ended she told me the directions to get home cause every turn went left right left right and that was how we got home. We went to BK for lunch and had fun little talks and she got to play in the Play place at BK. My all time fav. thing she said to me went like this "K Cindy Next time we go to the same place for the ballet i will wear this same dress, this same tights and this same shoes. Then we have to come to this same place for lunch. Understand Cindy?". K i was laughing in my head about that cause she had the most serious tone in her voice and gave me a serious look while she was doing it! I so wish i got that on video! When we got back to her house to drop her off she wanted to do her own ballet so Ma put in the cd and she put on her own little ballet for us!


Now on to my Birthday!!! So yes its official i am 19!!! As of Dec.20!!! I woke up at 10:49am and i turned on my phone thinking i would have lots of texts if not phone calls. I had 1 message on my voicemail! It was from a person very special to me. We where planning on getting together and doing something for my birthday since my family told me to find my own thing to do om my birthday. So i was trying to do just that! She ended up planning on having me over when i was done going out to eat with my fam. So when dinner was over my dad droped me off at their house. I walked in and all the kids where soo excited to see me and they all yelled Happy Birthday! Well their ma was in the other room she was asking me random questions like "Whats your fav. color? I dont have that one! Whats your next fav. color? oh well this one is close enough! Some one turn off all the lights!!!!". I am sitting at the end of the table with the kids and thinking "What on earth?" Well Ma finaly comes out of the room holding cupcakes with an orange/pink candle in one of them. They all sing to me then i get to blow out the candle. Kar and E both had me unwrap my gifts they had for me and J looked and me all sad said i dont have one ran to his gingerbread house and ripped off a candy cane handed it to me and said Happy Birthday! so i got a home made soccerball from Kar,E gave me a snowglobe with a nativity in it and a candy cane from J. well we bundled up the 4 kids and jumped in the van and took a trip to stillwater and visited a live nativity! I held the little Cait most of the time while we walked around. The funny part was when we pulled in J yelled 1 more min. we where so confused then we saw the clock it was 7:27 in 1 min i was offically 19!! so we sat there and when the min was up they bursted in to song again! When we were all done at the church we drove back home and droped off the kids and me and Ma C went to River Falls and saw Bolt!! cutest movie ever!

The next day was sunday! Well i went to church and the life shaping meal. Watched the kids for ma C while her and PB were in a meeting. Cait was attached to me like none other it was so cute she was calling me "indy" all day. Well it came time for me to go and them to go and Ma C went to take Cait out of my arm and Cait didnt want to leave it was funny she is always excited for ma! Well ma looked at her and said "You like Sydney dont you?" Cait replied " I luv Cindy!" Ok offically the cutest thing out of her mouth and it made my day!

Baggage! We all have it!

K well this is about a drama that changed my life for me a year go. I had gone to the Revolve Tour and they did this drama. I couldnt contain myself while they where doing this drama. We all carry so much baggage and it holds us captive. We need to let God take care of it cause he WILL give us peace. Well since i cant figure out how to get the video on here i will post the link for ya!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrvJIznZKtU

Hope ya enjoy this video as much as i do!

Quotes!

K so on a bit of a lighter note from the last post i made here are some of my quotes i like!

*Every little girl should be so loved, so welcomed-seen, known, treasured. From this place she can become a strong and beautiful and confident woman.* From Captivating

*No matter where you are on the journey to the glorifying, liberated life in Christ, you are His treasure. He does not want to take from you. He wants to give you and free you from any hindrance.* From Breaking Free

*Today I figured out I can't fix everything or anything myself for that matter.* From me talking about trying to fix a problem i had one morning that i couldn't fix So i gave it all to God and he gave me peace!

Where where you?

K well today 7years ago the twin towers fell to the ground. You always here you never forget where you where the day the Twin Towers fell. Well today i chose to tell you all about where i was when i heard. It was 2nd or 3rd hour i was in my 7th grade math class. It was your normal day me sitting in my spot at the front of the classroom in my desk working on a work sheet. All of a sudden the door to the room swung open. It was a student from one of the other classes in our house who ran in to Mr.H's room and yelled "turn on the news now!" Mr.H was so confused as to why or what was going on but he turned on the news just in time to see the second tower get hit by the plane! Oh my goodness was what was being said all over the classroom. For the rest of the math hour we sat there watching replay after replay after replay of both the towers getting hit. We where all so scared. The bell rang and it was all we could talk about! I was on my way to gym class talking to my friends and all you could hear in the hall was "Did you see what was on the news today!" "How could something like that happen." and "This will be in the history books!" Well I went to science with Mrs.S after gym was over and everyone in the class wanted to watch more of the news to hear more about what was going on. However the Office had chose to inform all the teachers that they where not allowed to let us watch it anymore. Wow the fact that i still remember all this still amazes me but it is one of those things that you never forget!

Praying for my life!

Well Today i was excited for a great day! The morning started out with a big family brunch witch was loads of fun! In the evening we had planned to go to my sisters boyfriends house for a party. We left for his house at 5pm. When we got there I ate 2 tacos that where amazing!!! After that we all where going to jump into the pool. Well i forgot my swimsuit so i took the van and drove back home! What happen next sacred me! I got home and i walked in to my room to grab my suit and all of a sudden i started to weeze. I had the hardest time breathing! I was so scared i quick put my suit on and i had to sit for a bit cause it hurt to breath soo bad! Well as i sat there all i could do was pray. I sat there with tears in my eyes Praying to God Please help me please help take the pain away. Finnally i got back in the van most likely speeded to the party walked in and walked up to my dad and asked for mom. She had just got in to her suit and i looked at her and i told her i couldnt breath and i needed to go to the ER. Me mom and dad quick went over to the hospital i was still frightened for my life. We had got there and they took me in to a room and hooked me up with wires and i ended up on a nebulizer. I had to get chest X-rays and they came in and told me that they have no idea what so ever what had caused my air way to close up like it did. They said we may never know what caused it and that it might never happen again. Just incase it was to happen again thay gave me a inhaler. This was MY first time ever in the ER for me. I am soo happy that i can breath with no problems right now!

about to give....

I am getting tired of people telling me that they will call me and start including me in things. I found out this summer who my real friends my age are. I found out it was just me. I was only called to be the third wheel. I wasn't included in anything where all the rest of my "friends" my age where included in. I know its going to carry in to youth group this year and i am starting to think my mom is right. She told me i shouldn't do youth group this year and go to a church group more for young adults. My cousin's girlfriend is in the group at church for older teens and college age students and she would like me to go to that too. However some of the underclass students have talked to me and want me to come back cause they connect with me and they know they can trust me and tell me things that they dont tell anyone else. I just want to be included for once i dont what to always plan things in order for me to hang out with people. I wish right now that the friends my age cared about me enough to call me not as a back burner person but as a real friend. I am sick of looking at their pics that they post and see all them hanging out and all that goes through my mind is why was i not invited do they not like me. I am tired of it it makes me sad every time i see pics of all them. I just want to give up and be a quiet person again cause i dont know what else to do. I dont know how much longer i can pray about it I just want a friend who will call and hang with me. I feel soo alone soo much that i am excited for summer to end and school to start just because i get something to do even if its school work.