A kiss on my forehead and an embrace from a friend.

No one knows my whole story..about my past or present. I feel like a burden when i talk to people most of the time cause thats how i am treated alot. I am not better than anyone cause of my faith so please dont treat me that way. Tonight i talked to a friend i have told very little about anything going on past or present. It was after our church woman's ministry called Latte! Tonight we had a woman come in and tell us her story of abuse. I have to admit i was in tears but for more reasons than anyone knows. Well after it was over i was in the hall and a friend asked if things were going better. There is something about her that i just cant explain. I feel like i cant hide anything from her even though we dont talk often to eachother. Well I told her i wasnt doing much better than the last time we talked and i told her things it takes me years to tell anyone! The things i told her hurt my life alot and my quilt God is still mending for me. I told her things about the present that no one no matter how close they are to me know. I have never been so overflowed with God love at one time. Just to hear the word "I am here for you and i love you!" are some of the hardest things for me to hear. We went into the dark auditorium and sat in chairs and she prayed for me all the time letting me use her shoulder to cry on as she comforted me and prayed over me. How can anyone love someone thats not part of their family? I know that we are all a part of God's family and i dont even understand how God can love me..but i know he does. I guess its always been hard cause i dont hear it from my parents unless other people are around so that they can put on a "im a good parent face" for the world. Dont get me wrong they are good parents and i love them i just do hear im loved. I loved the part where my friend prayed that God would take me with my head down and embrace me and Kiss me on my forehead. WOW! What an image that put in my mind.When she was done praying it was nice to know that she was and will be around to support me and help me take the steps i need to take to better my life. God poured out soo much into my heart at one i am still in tears about everything that happened. Thanks God for answering my prayers!!! I love you soo much and i am overjoyed to call you my Father!!!!

How long can you believe a lie?

I have been extra stressed lately. I can never seem to hit the ground running in the right directions these days. Pressure from school,college, deciding what to do next year, family, friends, Faith, work, everything is building pressure. I don't handle stress great cause i enternalize everything! I wont tell people how i feel unless they can see it. I always feel that if they cant tell then they dont care. Parents are pushing me to make decissions and it seems everytime i do they dont like the one i make. Trying to have faith right now is crazy hard. I keep falling and breaking. I get beat down and i beat myself up over it. Past come back and haunts me and makes me believe the lies satan is telling me. School well its my last year for highschool and that in its self is enough pressure for me but on top of that lets through in planning a grad party that is 1 and 1/2 months away! As for College my bible class i take on saturdays is great but it messes with my schedule like none other i get out of bed early or late i never seem to get out of the house at the right time! Deciding my life for next year i just want to through in the rag and give up! I dont wanna go for business and all my dreams for the next year keep getting pushed away and knocked down by what my parents expect of me! Its my life i wanna decide what to do! Family life well its stressful like always! Constant battle for me to do the right thing, make the right decission, not messing up, saying the wrong thing, and not making anybody mad. Come on! Friends well what about it! Some of them make me feel like they are using me to get something like rides or other things. Don't really have those deep friends anymore cause everyone else is always doing things together. Or like the big thing now is all the teens that went to Mexico they are their own click again so the few peeps i did talk to kinda ignore me now. The job thing i love the babysitting and nanny jobs i do it is one of my passions to be able to work and have fun with kids. However helping my mom with her 2 businesses not my passion or even something i want to be over involved in cause i cant stand that. The rav. business is the only one i could see myself doing something with cause i am the only one in the fam out of the kids who likes doing that. The pressure builds continually and i am having a hard time with this all and no one is around to talk anymore! I dont know how long i can believe the lies i tell myself to get through the day.

I tell my self i can handle all the pressure! I can run a business or 2! I can set aside my dreams and passions to do something i dont want to do! I can cram more in my week! I dont need friends! I dont need to talk to people! No one really cares about whats going on in my life! I am not worth anything! and so on there are so many lies i tell myself in a given day its sad.

I God has been breaking me of my ways slowly and its still a daily struggle to believe everything God says is true! if ya took time to read this sorry for my ranting but i needed to put it out there i dont care if you care or not i just had to do something to relieve some pressure.

Young kid with BIG love!

K so today i had received a call from my youngest sister saying my dad was in the hospital. I drove to Hudson from Afton knowing nothing about what was going on. Just for someone to be out there praying over the situation i called MaJ. Hearing a loving voice gave me enough to get home. When i got close to Hudson i called my mom and she said that they didn't know what caused it to happen but he would be staying the night and he would be getting a cat scan in the morning. Well we got another call around 630 from mom saying dad would be coming home. They have no idea what cause his heart and breathing to be affected that way and said it could have been a Muscle spasium due to stress. So he was able to come home and we have no idea what cause it. Well i called MaJ after i dropped off my dad prescription. I was leaving a message when all of a sudden i heard "How are you?" i said i was doing good. Then in an eruption i hear and eager "HOW IS YOUR DAD?" "IS HE DOING BETTER? IS HE OK?" I told little J that my dad was doing good and i got the whole "REALLY?!?" so i just told him Yah my dad is doing really really good. I dont think i have ever had soo much comfort from so few words from an 8 year old before. That kid has so much love for people. What a heart he has for people.

Iowa part 3! the last leg!

K so we got home at 2pm. We woke up at 7:00am this nice sunday morning we at at the hotel got out of there at 7:46am. We stopped twice on the way back. We crossed in to the great state of WI at 9:16am and got home to hudson at 2!!! i am excited to be home but we might be going back down this coming weekend!!!! Wow a world of things happen while i was gone! The only website i was on while i was down in Iowa was this so i could blog! When i got back this morning i found someone had gotten on to my facebook some how and changed things on it! wow all those comments i had to reply to!!! well i fixed that now so everything should go well! I get to go to the church picnic! and the Well tonight so all is happy for me!!!

Iowa part 2!

K so today we slept in for once in our summer! I got up first out of the girls at 8:44 am. We got up by 9am and we went to Kohl's cause its right next to the hotel we are staying at so we walked! After we got back from shopping we went out to eat at Best Maid! They have amazing burgers!!! When we where done eating we went to my dads aunt and uncle's house to hang out! We got back to the hotel at about 3pm and we just hung out in the hotel room! At 5pm we went to the 50th wedding anniversary that we came down here for! We left there at about 10:25pm i think! While we where there i saw some relatives i have never met before and some that i have met! I think thats about all for today! We get up bright and early tomorrow morning at about 5:30am!!! We are going to eat breakfast here at the hotel at 6am then we will hit the road!! We hope to be back by 2pm and if that happens i will be at the church picnic and the well! So i pray we get back in time for those!!!

Iowa part1!

K so yesterday was friday and we started our weekend trip to Iowa! Well it was "going" to take us 4 hours to get to Iowa where our hotel is at. Yah right it took us 8 hours total before we got to where we needed to be! I had to nanny friday from 9am till 3:30pm. That is a shorter day then normal. I had to pack on thursday and i was already to go with all my stuff. Here was the rundown of yesterday!

4:30 left Hudson WI
8:00pm ate dinner at mexican restront
8:30pm still driving through Lacross WI!
11:10pm in illinoise
11:16pm debque Iowa
12:43am pulled in to hotel!!!
1:00 am in bed and ready to sleep!!!!

I think my dad relized that talking to girls in their teens about sharing a bed for the weekend at 1am is a bad idea! My cot was not in the room and they had told us they where out of cots. My dad asked me if i would share a bed and i told him no i am the oldest and i didnt get any sleep in the car at all and i wanted my cot!!! well a bit later a cot came in and my youngest sister had to sleep on it! I was happy to have a real bed and i was tired so i took the bed!