Why does this always happen to me!

I am tired of the comments flying around this house about me. Yes i have reached the point where i constantly feel like i have to defend myself against what is being said. I don't care if i am not up to their standards i just want to be up to the standards God has on my heart and we all fall short. I don't like it when people use my faith against me by saying "Isn't that what a "good" Christian would do?" or "Your faith is a cult!". I am sick of it. I just want to leave but i have no where to go. I have been running to God for so long that i feel that that is the only safe place anywhere for me to go. People keep telling me my dreams are useless and will get me nowhere in life. Well its not life i am worried about i am worried about not doing what God whats from me.God is the one in charge and He rules my life. At least i believe in Him and finally trust Him. I understand that no human will love me like He does i just wish my earthly family would love me too. I honestly feel like i don't know how to dream anymore. Every time i try to have dreams of what i would like to do and i share them i hear "thats dumb", "You won't make money doing that",and "you wont be any good at that.". I understand we all go through hard stuff in life and God will never give us more than we can bare. I would like a time away from the house. I totally wish my grad party was not the weekend of the Spiritual retreat. That is something i will have to do sometime. For some restoration time. I guess maybe this summer i will take a week and go pitch my tent and live a week with no electronics. I think it would be nice to do that again. God grant me strength to get through this!

A kiss on my forehead and an embrace from a friend.

No one knows my whole story..about my past or present. I feel like a burden when i talk to people most of the time cause thats how i am treated alot. I am not better than anyone cause of my faith so please dont treat me that way. Tonight i talked to a friend i have told very little about anything going on past or present. It was after our church woman's ministry called Latte! Tonight we had a woman come in and tell us her story of abuse. I have to admit i was in tears but for more reasons than anyone knows. Well after it was over i was in the hall and a friend asked if things were going better. There is something about her that i just cant explain. I feel like i cant hide anything from her even though we dont talk often to eachother. Well I told her i wasnt doing much better than the last time we talked and i told her things it takes me years to tell anyone! The things i told her hurt my life alot and my quilt God is still mending for me. I told her things about the present that no one no matter how close they are to me know. I have never been so overflowed with God love at one time. Just to hear the word "I am here for you and i love you!" are some of the hardest things for me to hear. We went into the dark auditorium and sat in chairs and she prayed for me all the time letting me use her shoulder to cry on as she comforted me and prayed over me. How can anyone love someone thats not part of their family? I know that we are all a part of God's family and i dont even understand how God can love me..but i know he does. I guess its always been hard cause i dont hear it from my parents unless other people are around so that they can put on a "im a good parent face" for the world. Dont get me wrong they are good parents and i love them i just do hear im loved. I loved the part where my friend prayed that God would take me with my head down and embrace me and Kiss me on my forehead. WOW! What an image that put in my mind.When she was done praying it was nice to know that she was and will be around to support me and help me take the steps i need to take to better my life. God poured out soo much into my heart at one i am still in tears about everything that happened. Thanks God for answering my prayers!!! I love you soo much and i am overjoyed to call you my Father!!!!

Hidding behind a mask...

Right now my life all of it is hiding behind a mask waiting for someone to care enough to see through it. Has it happened yet? The answer to that is NO! No one has any idea what is going on in life right now cause no one has cared to asked or took the hints that i make. I am not fine i just want you to think i am fine cause i believe no one really cares what is going on any more. I am turning into who i was back in middle school. Im turning in to an introvert but trying hard to cover it up by still doing things i always do. Like cram my days with as much as i can. Right now i need someone in my life who will deal with the hard stuff with me in my life. My family wont listen to me friends ignore me for the most part and i cant pick up the pieces to life fast enough. I wish God would just take me home. i know he cares but i just cant take it here anymore... I need some one in my life i can talk to right now and every time no one has time for me. If i keep everything to myself im going to hate myself more than i already do. i just would like someone to talk to once a week and no be a hindrance to them. I pray God would bring that person soon!