Whats on my forehead?

K so today was just one of those dumb depressing days. I was all excited today when a friend told me of a job opening but due to school i could get there right when she told me about. At school i had a horrid day in the dark room along with the essay i was working on. All day i was looking forward to getting off school and going to get a job app. While when i finally got to the place to get an app the woman at the register looks at me and says the positions that were open have already been filled but we will keep your app on file when you bring it back. First off not what i wanted to hear secondly I needed that job!! Seriously i need a job so bad i will stoop as low as cleaning toilets for a living right now eventhough thats one of the last things i would want to do. I need a job so i can move out and pay for school. I feel like something is written on my forehead that just screws me over on things. I just want a job. Finding one is the hardest thing now a days!! ugg i wish that my dreams weren't so out there that i could accually attain them. But i guess the saying that "Dreams are for sleeping" is one of the truest things these days.

2 Corinthians 3:18

As most of you know i have attended a camp called Wood Lake Bible Camp for 5 years. Well I made it 6 this year due to the fact i went as a cabin leader for 2 weeks. The first week was Sr. High week. I wanted to be up there that week cause the thursday of Sr. High week was the week i accepted Christ in to my heart and i wanted to share that with the campers!! Well I was a co leader with a girl i knew from a winter retreat up at camp and her nae is Jenny. I have to say camp was different this year. We didnt have Leslie and her family there as the camp deans for the week and JAH, Whitney, Isabell, and the band did not make it this year either. However we still had an amazing week. Jenny and I had a cabin of Freshmen girls the first week together. I found out 6 of the 13 girls in the cabin were from my town and out of the 6 i knew 3. I had my loved little one Sydney she has been my minni me for 6 years now. Her mom was my small group leader in 8th gread when i started going to church. Well as the week went on frustration and tention started building. Our entire cabin with the excption of one girl where compleetly united. We never really got over that at all but oh well. One night i was broke there was alot going on behind the senes over the days. When i got there i was extreemly excited to be up there and i love the girls in the cabin. Well monday comes and my dad had called the office cause he couldnt get ahold of me on my cell. So i called him back during my freetime. Bad choice on my part....I got yelled at the entire time i was on the phone with him... I was getting hit with things like your waisting your time doing dumb stuff like this for free life is about money and business. You need to stop foolishy using your time hanging out with teens. Your not going back next week... ect. This continued everyday till wednesday when i told him not to call me cause no matter how many times he called i couldnt leave anyway!!! That first day however i was so broke on monday during my freetime after that phone call i took my journal to the front step of the cabin and i was going to journal and anna walked by.. Anna was someone i was not to fond of till the last day of camp last year and i was unsure if i wanted to talk to her about my life just yet. how ever she saw something was going on and stoped in her path and asked if i was ok and if i wanted to talk. Me being who i am said i think im fine yah ill be fine. Jenny had came back from the store and joined me on the step and i had told her what was going on with my dad and back came anna so we both quick changed the convo. Well the fact that we changed the convo did nothing at all Anna gave me the "stair down" and when she gives that it instills fear in a person and in her stern but loveing and caring voice she said you will find me during the campers freetime and we will talk about whats going on. all i said was k i mean what else could i do... Well we did end up talking and boy was i glad i did. We have the same kinda relationships in our family with us being the only christians so she was a great encouragement and on top of it she knows some people who play big roles in my life. I also what was going on with my cabin buddy Amanda! She is another amazing girl who i was blessed to meet. Cabin buddies would hang with the kids while we were in meetings and they would come do devos with us at night.

So all week the sermon was on reflecting God's glory..never thought i would get sooo much out of a sermon the entire week. I figured one night i would compleetly relate to the sermon but it was odd each day went with what was going on in my life that day. One night we talked about steping out in faith and we had an alter time. Well he did the whole close your eyes....If you want to make a commitment to God saying your going to step out and follow him please come to the alter.....If you want to commite to accept him in your heart please come up.....and lastly if you are going to live your life for God and let nothing get in your way please come forward... We prayed then we were allowed to open our eyes i was brought to tears by what i saw ALL my girls in my cabin we at the alter making a commitment to God!!!! I could not have been more blessed to see that happen!!!! Well the girls wanted to hear my faith story from begining to end and i told them i would share it...Amanda was super excited to hear it to!! The last nigh of camp i was sooo nervious they wanted me to tell my whole life everything good bad and ugly. Well I did everything from the attempts to take my life, to the abuse, to what kept me alive. Sydney was in tears when she heard that if it wasnt for her and her mom Jody being there to teach me about God i dont know if i would be here. All she could do was look me in the eyes and ask "Does my mom know this?" I told her No only a few people know my entire story. Another one of my girls was mad that someone would abuse a little girl. I think it was a good way to end that week. I love those girls and miss them loads...

So the campers all left and i had to yet again give peggy a ride home from camp like i have for the past 2-3 years now. Amanda was worried and so was Anna that i wouldnt be back the next week but after hearing a sermon that week and knowing where God wanted me and the fact that it was an once in a life time oppertunity i was totally going to be at camp for the 5th-7th graders the next week. So i went to the office to hand in my paper work and Tim the director pulled me in his office and asked if i would be back and i said no doubt! He told me i wouldnt be with Jenny when i came back but i would have a Jr. cabin leader with me by the name of Billie!! I was soo excited i loved picking on billie for the fact she couldnt get the hula hoop to work sr.high week. Well i knew that i would have to find a place to stay for saturday night to sunday. So i texted my mom saying i had to be up there for the next week. Well i got home found a card on my bed for a wedding shower for a friends wedding i was in so i called and one of my friends who just got off work picked me up and brought me over. On my way to the shower i got a call from my Sunday school teacher Alisha! I told her what was going on and that my dad was mad about my decission to go work up at camp for free and that he didnt want me home between camps so she let me spend the night at her place.

So i get back to the house after the shower and i went to put stuff in the dryer and i ran up stairs to grab something and my dad stoped me and did the whole strict voice "What do you think your doing here?" bit on me and i told him i was grabbing some things i needed then i would be gone so i grabbed hangers and put all my 1/4 dry clothes on hangers and put them in the car and started to drive. Called Alisha and she didnt sound like herself so she told me what was going on and that she wouldnt be talkative like normal or hyper and perkie. I told her that was fine.. I was sooo tired from camp that i really wanted introvert time. Well I got to her place and she helped me with my wet clothes and we put them in the dryer we made a pasta dinner then decited to watch a movie...This part is funny k so we wanted to watch mall cop tried for 1/2 an hour to get it to work then gave up. The ones she wanted to see i had already seen and we couldnt find one that neither of us had seen that we wanted to see. So she did the whole "K so if you had to watch another one of the movies agin what movie would it be and could we watch it?!!?" I told her excitedly "TAKEN!!!". I have seen it twice and i would love to see it again!!! So thats what we did. I had to laugh cause she would be commening on things in the movie and she got frustrated at one point paused it and said " Well when me and betty went to irlend we did.....ect." I couldnt stop laughing in my head cause she stole the next lines of the movie right before he had the chance to say them. Well on and off throughout the entire movie she would make comments. We hit a point and we need a bathroom/laundry break so we paused the movie and i did my laundry and we ended up talking about the entire weeks worth of sremons form Sr.High camp and she sat there and took notes then we made ice cream sundays and finnished the movie. The next day we got up and got ready for church. Wow what a weekend to have her in my life. We did something totally different than anything we had done before at church. We played songs and when through the A.C.T.S. of prayer. It was amazing that God blessed me with such an amazing woman there by my side when i was falling apart. After service we had class it was neat cause she took some of the notes we taked about from the night before and used them in class. After that i was off to camp.

I got there drove to my cabin and Billie was already sitting on her bed ready to have fun!! I was soo excited to see her and she was excited we were going to be together the whole week. So i went to move my car back to the parking spot on the upper part of camp. So i walked down and Anna was sitting on her front step of the cabin and i was soo happy to see her. She was happy i was back and asked me how it went when i got home and i told her i ended up staying with Alisha and i told her Alisha said HI!! i found out when me and anna talked the first week they work together along with betty who was my cabin leader for the retreat one winter there. Well we got our cabin of girls finally and we had 13girls! I knew none of them Jenny had all the girls from hudson again. Dinner came and i forgot to tell Amanda i was back cause last she heard i wanted to but was unsure if i was able to. So she just so happended to be serving the line we were in and she was amazed i was back!! I was just hoping i would have her as a cabin buddy again but i figured Jenny would have her. That was fine with me too. Needless to say i was slow getting to our cabin that first night for devos and of course i had the bed behind the door so when you open the door you see nothing behind it and i was standing in the doorway talking and i finally closed the door and screamed cause there was Amanda sitting on my bed!! It was awesome to have her back i found out she traded to be in my cabin!!! Me and billie decited to do one on ones with the girls to get to know them and where they are in faith and the monday one of the girls decited to accept christ in her life so that was awesome!!! tuesday night the girls wanted me to share my faith story and not just parts but all. I was a lot more nervious this time than i was the week before I didnt know if i could handle telling them some of the things. Well i did share everything i was shaking the entire time and had a hard time making eye contact well telling them my story but it was so relivent to the point we wanted to make to them. That point was that the only beauty that matters is the beauty God sees in you not what others see or want you to be. That night my story became reality when i went to sleep. I was back in those woods I could hear all the lies and horrid words he yelled at me. He was hitting me all over again and touching me in ways that he never should have been. Well needless to say it felt like reality so much that i found out i scared my campers cause i was sleep talking. They ended waking up billie and had her wake me up. The next morning when billie woke me up for our meeting she asked me if i was ok and if i knew i was sleep talking. I told her i had no idea. She told me how a few of the campers were scared to wake me up cause i was moving around alot and saying things like no...stop...stop it....h...e...l...p... She told me she asked me if i was ok when i was in my dream and i said no and she said i was sleep talking and i snaped out of it. Well as the day went on i was scared it would keep happening at night. One day at camp Anna, Jenny, Amanda, and I were all standing around talking and Amanda wanted to hear Annas story so anna told us. As she was talking Jenny looked over at me and told me i needed and shoudld talk to anna cause we have been through alot of the same things and she thought it would help so did Amanda and Billie too cause that same day they said the same thing. Well we hit the day were we play the relay race our cabin was excited but 1 of the girls was sick so i decited to sit out then another one got sick with something else then one was hurtting. so i went to the cabin and took care of the two sick girls. Another girl came down to the cabin sick then one came down hurt. So we were sitting in a dark cabin girls sick and hurtting all over the cabin and i started feeling sick. I heard some of the most amazing things out of these girls during that time. One looked and me and said "satan is trying to take us down one by one would you pray please just pray!!!" So i did i just prayed my heart out for these girls and the camp. as i was doing so the nurse walked in. After about 10mins of her being gone one of the girls was feeling worse and another one of the girls asked me to just read my bible it didnt matter what i was reading out of it they just wanted me to read it. wow those girls amazed me time and time again!!! The next day we all felt fine however my heart was still hurtting and i hadnt had a chance to talk to anna and i broke down during evening worship. I was soo thankfull for Jenny next to me holding me and knowing what i was broken over and she asked me in my brokenness and tears if i had talked to anna all i could do was shake my head..Then devan game me a hug and billie grabbed my hand and held on the oppiset side jenny was on. When worship was over i gave them all hugs and David came over and just gave me the biggest hug i have ever got from a guy. Even while we where in our little staff prayer time i was still shakking and in tears and amanda just held me along with my friend shelby. That was the last night of camp. I never did get the chance to talk to anna at camp but i did send her the questions i wanted to ask her. I miss everyone from camp staff and campers!!! Hope this was worth reading for those of you who read it!!


"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:18

Unwanted..

K so i have been looking at my friendships and i have noticed an area of envy that i have and i want to turn away from it. I always look at my friend circle and most of the people i hang out with are now dating. For years I have wanted a "boyfriend" so the first guy that ever asked me of course i said yes not cause i really liked him but cause he was the first guy that ever asked and i was tired of being the girl going as the third or fifth wheel. Now i see my friends dating and getting married and i am envious cause i don't have a guy in my life that i have a relationship like that with. So i have chose to go this year without dating or having crushes its become an idol to me and i hate that. I have put wanting a guy before the ONLY guy that should matter in my life and that is GOD!! If your reading this please keep me accountable to what i am saying and don't let me "date" till i have put God where he needs to be!

listening...

K so it's time for me to listen and follow. I have had a few convos with different people about what to do with my life and I am striving for God and what he wants and what he has put on my hear. This is going to be a full summer. I am applying to go to college now not just for what my parents want me to do but also applying for college to work in youth ministry! This summer I have applied to work at camp to be a cabin leader the entire month of July. I am excited for what God has in store for me. Along with all this the past year I have been wanting to put together a girls conference. At this conference I want to address different issues and struggles teen girls face now a days. I am going to take steps this summer to get this off the ground. I have a few people who said they would speak at the conference already so if I can get this off the ground it will be awesome!!

Lessons to be learned that are Lifeshaping!!

I have learned alot this past semester in Lifeshaping at my church. I have an amazing woman who leads class who will be called AC in this blog. We went through the book respectiable sins. In the class we did alot of wworksheets and some fun game analigies to go along with them. I had been getting a lot out of this class but i was extreemly quiet during the class answering questions only when i had to. I was struggling with a lot while in this class. It brought back this i didnt want to remember and other things that have torn me down. I got to the point one week during class that i wanted to thank AC for all that she had done and we all seem to leave the class room with a bit of a mess so me deciding to be who i am cleaned up. AC and i had a good convo for awhile that day while i was in there and i left chruch feeling different in some way. Later that night i went to Latte and heard amazing testamonies by 2 wonderful women from our church one who i grow closer to everytime i see her. That night i was struggling with alot of emotions of things in my life and pressures i have. I had got a phone call from a friend of my that added to my stress as it was. When all of a sudden i hear my name called. I turn around with my eyes watering and all the pain of everything i had been dealing with and there was AC. She came over and gave me one of the biggest hugs ever and it made my night. She had asked how i was and for once i couldnt hide how i was feeling at all(even if i wanted to). So we talked for a bit then decided we would get together sometime to talk. I had recived a call from her but i told her i was unable to talk about it over the phone. We got together last wed for coffee. I had told her why i was so quiet in class and that it was not like me at all to be a quiet person. If you know me i always like to answer any question i can. Well a lot of you don't know a lot of the stuff i have been struggling with. So i am going to be extremely vulnerable right now. This is hard for me to do but i need to. I try to live up to some high standards i have set for myself. I have received these "standards" from what i have heard from: family, friends, t.v, magazines,and the world around me. I have major issues with how i see myself. I always found myself to be ugly,fat,not worth anything, and unloved. Its hard living a life to unrealistic standards. I am the "goody two shoes" in the family so i cant make a mistake or the world will come to an end and I would love to hear i am loved and that i am beautiful from my dad for once again in my life. I am slowly overcoming this area of struggle and i found good things to focus on about me. Thanks to AC! I love my smile and i am starting to love my eyes,along with my unique since of style. A huge thing that has been hard for me is Trust. It is extremely hard for me to trust anyone especially guys. My dad stopped coming to my special things i would do no matter how many times i asked and if he did he would leave before they started. I can remember being at my volleyball game like 10mins before it started and it was a tournament and dad came over to me and said he was going to leave to go visit my cousin vs stay for my game. This has continued still to this day. I cant even get him to do anything with me. I just want my dad who use to love me and find me good enough to hangout with back. Due to this trust with my dad it has carried over into my relationship with God my Father. I can trust everything He says but only in my head and not in my heart. This is a huge thing that i am trying to work through and if anyone has advice or some good bible verses to help that would be great! I am so grateful that I have grown so much in that class and that AC is one of those teachers/friends that is there to help us teens! Cant wait to continue class this summer who knows what else God has in-store for all us teens in that class!

I have a few verses i read right away when i wake up and i meditate on them through out the day and i love these verses cause they are sooo true!

Galatians 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Philippians 4:8-9
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, what ever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

1 Peter 5:8-9
Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.


Thats all i have to say for today. God bless!

Why does this always happen to me!

I am tired of the comments flying around this house about me. Yes i have reached the point where i constantly feel like i have to defend myself against what is being said. I don't care if i am not up to their standards i just want to be up to the standards God has on my heart and we all fall short. I don't like it when people use my faith against me by saying "Isn't that what a "good" Christian would do?" or "Your faith is a cult!". I am sick of it. I just want to leave but i have no where to go. I have been running to God for so long that i feel that that is the only safe place anywhere for me to go. People keep telling me my dreams are useless and will get me nowhere in life. Well its not life i am worried about i am worried about not doing what God whats from me.God is the one in charge and He rules my life. At least i believe in Him and finally trust Him. I understand that no human will love me like He does i just wish my earthly family would love me too. I honestly feel like i don't know how to dream anymore. Every time i try to have dreams of what i would like to do and i share them i hear "thats dumb", "You won't make money doing that",and "you wont be any good at that.". I understand we all go through hard stuff in life and God will never give us more than we can bare. I would like a time away from the house. I totally wish my grad party was not the weekend of the Spiritual retreat. That is something i will have to do sometime. For some restoration time. I guess maybe this summer i will take a week and go pitch my tent and live a week with no electronics. I think it would be nice to do that again. God grant me strength to get through this!

A kiss on my forehead and an embrace from a friend.

No one knows my whole story..about my past or present. I feel like a burden when i talk to people most of the time cause thats how i am treated alot. I am not better than anyone cause of my faith so please dont treat me that way. Tonight i talked to a friend i have told very little about anything going on past or present. It was after our church woman's ministry called Latte! Tonight we had a woman come in and tell us her story of abuse. I have to admit i was in tears but for more reasons than anyone knows. Well after it was over i was in the hall and a friend asked if things were going better. There is something about her that i just cant explain. I feel like i cant hide anything from her even though we dont talk often to eachother. Well I told her i wasnt doing much better than the last time we talked and i told her things it takes me years to tell anyone! The things i told her hurt my life alot and my quilt God is still mending for me. I told her things about the present that no one no matter how close they are to me know. I have never been so overflowed with God love at one time. Just to hear the word "I am here for you and i love you!" are some of the hardest things for me to hear. We went into the dark auditorium and sat in chairs and she prayed for me all the time letting me use her shoulder to cry on as she comforted me and prayed over me. How can anyone love someone thats not part of their family? I know that we are all a part of God's family and i dont even understand how God can love me..but i know he does. I guess its always been hard cause i dont hear it from my parents unless other people are around so that they can put on a "im a good parent face" for the world. Dont get me wrong they are good parents and i love them i just do hear im loved. I loved the part where my friend prayed that God would take me with my head down and embrace me and Kiss me on my forehead. WOW! What an image that put in my mind.When she was done praying it was nice to know that she was and will be around to support me and help me take the steps i need to take to better my life. God poured out soo much into my heart at one i am still in tears about everything that happened. Thanks God for answering my prayers!!! I love you soo much and i am overjoyed to call you my Father!!!!

Hidding behind a mask...

Right now my life all of it is hiding behind a mask waiting for someone to care enough to see through it. Has it happened yet? The answer to that is NO! No one has any idea what is going on in life right now cause no one has cared to asked or took the hints that i make. I am not fine i just want you to think i am fine cause i believe no one really cares what is going on any more. I am turning into who i was back in middle school. Im turning in to an introvert but trying hard to cover it up by still doing things i always do. Like cram my days with as much as i can. Right now i need someone in my life who will deal with the hard stuff with me in my life. My family wont listen to me friends ignore me for the most part and i cant pick up the pieces to life fast enough. I wish God would just take me home. i know he cares but i just cant take it here anymore... I need some one in my life i can talk to right now and every time no one has time for me. If i keep everything to myself im going to hate myself more than i already do. i just would like someone to talk to once a week and no be a hindrance to them. I pray God would bring that person soon!

Angry bridesmaid!

K well i think teen weddings well need the help and organization of an adult. I vote that they should use their heads a little. If you tell a bridesmaid the day before the fitting that they need $100 the day before how do you expect them to have it? Where is the money tree??? Oh boy there have been so many last min. things with this wedding planning its driving me up the wall! I mean if ya tell me earlier i will have the money but the day before!!! I have been saving all my money for my trip cause we never had a day planned for the dresses and we don't even know what they look like!!! uggh o well i guess no more trip for me all that money is going to a dress i will only wear once!

How long can you believe a lie?

I have been extra stressed lately. I can never seem to hit the ground running in the right directions these days. Pressure from school,college, deciding what to do next year, family, friends, Faith, work, everything is building pressure. I don't handle stress great cause i enternalize everything! I wont tell people how i feel unless they can see it. I always feel that if they cant tell then they dont care. Parents are pushing me to make decissions and it seems everytime i do they dont like the one i make. Trying to have faith right now is crazy hard. I keep falling and breaking. I get beat down and i beat myself up over it. Past come back and haunts me and makes me believe the lies satan is telling me. School well its my last year for highschool and that in its self is enough pressure for me but on top of that lets through in planning a grad party that is 1 and 1/2 months away! As for College my bible class i take on saturdays is great but it messes with my schedule like none other i get out of bed early or late i never seem to get out of the house at the right time! Deciding my life for next year i just want to through in the rag and give up! I dont wanna go for business and all my dreams for the next year keep getting pushed away and knocked down by what my parents expect of me! Its my life i wanna decide what to do! Family life well its stressful like always! Constant battle for me to do the right thing, make the right decission, not messing up, saying the wrong thing, and not making anybody mad. Come on! Friends well what about it! Some of them make me feel like they are using me to get something like rides or other things. Don't really have those deep friends anymore cause everyone else is always doing things together. Or like the big thing now is all the teens that went to Mexico they are their own click again so the few peeps i did talk to kinda ignore me now. The job thing i love the babysitting and nanny jobs i do it is one of my passions to be able to work and have fun with kids. However helping my mom with her 2 businesses not my passion or even something i want to be over involved in cause i cant stand that. The rav. business is the only one i could see myself doing something with cause i am the only one in the fam out of the kids who likes doing that. The pressure builds continually and i am having a hard time with this all and no one is around to talk anymore! I dont know how long i can believe the lies i tell myself to get through the day.

I tell my self i can handle all the pressure! I can run a business or 2! I can set aside my dreams and passions to do something i dont want to do! I can cram more in my week! I dont need friends! I dont need to talk to people! No one really cares about whats going on in my life! I am not worth anything! and so on there are so many lies i tell myself in a given day its sad.

I God has been breaking me of my ways slowly and its still a daily struggle to believe everything God says is true! if ya took time to read this sorry for my ranting but i needed to put it out there i dont care if you care or not i just had to do something to relieve some pressure.

Young kid with BIG love!

K so today i had received a call from my youngest sister saying my dad was in the hospital. I drove to Hudson from Afton knowing nothing about what was going on. Just for someone to be out there praying over the situation i called MaJ. Hearing a loving voice gave me enough to get home. When i got close to Hudson i called my mom and she said that they didn't know what caused it to happen but he would be staying the night and he would be getting a cat scan in the morning. Well we got another call around 630 from mom saying dad would be coming home. They have no idea what cause his heart and breathing to be affected that way and said it could have been a Muscle spasium due to stress. So he was able to come home and we have no idea what cause it. Well i called MaJ after i dropped off my dad prescription. I was leaving a message when all of a sudden i heard "How are you?" i said i was doing good. Then in an eruption i hear and eager "HOW IS YOUR DAD?" "IS HE DOING BETTER? IS HE OK?" I told little J that my dad was doing good and i got the whole "REALLY?!?" so i just told him Yah my dad is doing really really good. I dont think i have ever had soo much comfort from so few words from an 8 year old before. That kid has so much love for people. What a heart he has for people.

confussion....

In my bible class on the old testament we where talking about 1Timothy. It was a great class but I left more confused about what I want to do with my life! Youth ministry is what i want to go in to and feel let to. So i was going to go you Youth pastor. Well we talked about The Authority of Women.(1Timothy2:11-14) And The Church and Its Leadership. Well i dont think i have ever questioned anything more than this now. It says a womans job teach. However acording to 1Timothy a woman is not allowed to be a pastor. So how would you even get a job in a church working with a Highschool youth group full time with out having the title of "Pastor"? I mean just because i have this passion and desire and i have been following through with my commitment I dont want to end up with an empty heart over this. I am trying to follow where God is calling but This class is giving me things to dig deeper in and try to get through. I have done a mentorship last year with a youth pastor and it was a woman youth pastor but I don't want to go against what God has said. So its a big ball of yarn to unwind. If anyone could help on this topic Please let me know. I am going to talk to some pastors and see what they think.

Ski Trip!!! 2009!

I don't know where to begin so I will start from the beginning! Cause I had finals the week of the trip I got them all done on thursday. Thursday night we finally got the computer back so we had Itunes. So I stayed up till 12:30am loading as many of my cd's as i could so i would have all my music for the ski trip. Got up Friday morning and wanted to finnish loading the rest of my cds so i started that at 8:30 i was not done till 45 min before i had to be at the church. So i run down to my room with the only suitcase i could find witch just happened to be the LARGEST one we own. I toss everything in it that i will need or could need for the trip. My sis helped me get everythign in the car. So off to the church i went.

Got there on time. I was thinking i was going to do my homework for my class i was going to be missing on saturday on the way up to Park falls that first night. Well i didnt i hung out with the little ones as they rotated on to the bus cause i cant sit in the back of the bus for too long. I think we stopped maybe 2 times on the way up... Had dinner at Arbys!!! Got to Park Falls unloaded the bus and part of the van and got all our stuff ready to stay the night! Girls in the cold basement but it was nice i slept by the fire so i was kinda warm but i only got 30mins of sleep that first night and we had to get up in the morning at 830 i think. Any way me not being a morning person and on a Huge 4 month lack of sleep i was not too happy about it. However morning came i was anoyed i mean HOW MANY TIMES DOES YOUR CELL PHONE HAVE TO GO OFF BEFORE YOU GET UP!!!!! Come on it was sooo anoying so needless to say i was up at like 5ish in the morning! GREAT was all i though. So by the time we Had to get i up i was ready to eat. Apple juice and a banana for breakfast!

Then we loaded everything we would need for the hotel back in the van and we hopped on the bus! Off to go skiing we went! It was soo neat when we got there! I started the day with a big group of us teens and i was snowboarding for the first part. All that need to be said about those chair lifts is they are THE WORST EVER! Talk about scary!! Well getting off them i thought would be easy but i was wrong! I got off a few time great i had 2 times at the beginning that where frustrating but the 4th time of the day was the one that got me! Mo was ahead of us and me and sari where saying it would be nice if the lift stopped right when we where up to get off well because it was mo's first time out she didnt know how to get off so we got our wish! well who would have that that wish would have came crashing down on one of us! Due to the fact we had no speed to get off we had a hard time i hit a rut garbed on to sari and i ended up infront of her so we where looking at eachother and i had let go of her Just ine time. In time for what you may ask oh just to have my back side of my board hit an ice rut and push my entire body forward. All i see is snow then i see sky and hear SMACK!!!! my head and shoulder blade smack the ground. I was wearing my helmet thankfully. I just stayed on my back laughing soo hard i was crying as sari and everyone else are above me laughing once they new i was ok. I took a few more runs got ditched a few more times then when in to eat.

After lunch i ended up putting on my skis and taking some advil for the head ach i had. After that i went out with One of the female leaders on the trip and we where ski lift buddies the rest of the day! We did alot of neat runs! Black dimonds and all!

After we where done we went to the hotel took showers and reloaded the bus to go to SUBWAY!!!!It took quite some time to get everyone through the line! It was worth the wait however! When we got back the girls jumped in the hot tub. We had a small group type question and answer time! That was interesting hearing the answers to some of the questions on the list. After that we went on the hunt for the soda and snack machine! I went to the room after that with one of my room mates and we ended up playing on facebook for a bit talking with other peeps from the trip cause they where all downstairs in the lobby using the computer down there to check theirs! Got up the next morning we had breakfast and loaded all our stuff in the van and hit the road back out to the ski hill!

This day i think was one of the funnest! I didnt snowboard at all! I had lost my snowpants and was scared cause we all had no idea where they where. I went to the office and asked one girl and she told me to ask a different woman. The second asked me what color and i said a light blue with ruffels on the butt pockets she took me to a closet she steped in and turned on a light! I have never been more elated in a long time to see my ruffle butted light blue snowpants!!! I had to go and buy socks at the ski shop cause i forgot my good pair back home! I went out with PW again seeing as though she wouldnt ditch me and we where having great fun little convos on the lifts anyway! Itt was sooo cold wait i remember it was -30 out that day!!! so it was COLD!!! we went down a few runs then went in to warm up JC decided to join us the next time we went out but before i did that i had to buy warm mittens cause my warm gloves were not retaining heat!!! So the three of us went out and met up with about 5 of the guys on the trip so all of us hung out till lunch. Then we all went out again but JC was teaching her kiddos to ski so she wasnot with us this time. I think there was only 4 of us 2 adults so it ment guys on one chair together girls on the other one! We had fun went through a wooded run a few times! talk about making decissions on a dime you had no time to think! We had races to see who could make it to the chairlift first! I do believe i had the Biggest come back!!! After quite some time we ended up going in for the day cause we had had enough. Eventually we loaded the bus again!

When we got back we had time to hang out I took a nice warm shower!!! I loved being able to take a shower everyday for a ski trip! We had ordered pizza! One of the guys said he was bored and wanted to do my hair as a joke and i was totally not joking when i said ok! i ran down grabbed hair clips bobbypins and binders! He totally backed down and one of the girls on the trip took my little binders and did my hair! It was quite the due! Then the pizza came so we ate! After that we did random things. We played a game that i played 4 years ago in Colorado on the ski trip. It is called Duckie Wuckie! Funniest game ever you have a person in the middle of the circle of chairs blindfolded with a pillow they sit on the pillow on someones lap and say Duckie Wuckie. The person they sit on has to somehow make their voice different and say Quack Quack. The blindfolded person can ask a total of three times and all three times they are able to guess who it is. E was the greatest on this game. He had sat on one of the girls lap and she did a loud QUACK QUACK. You could just see him think for a few seconds before yelling in all assurance that he would be right "It's an ANGRY SYDNEY!!!!" Ok so how could you not laugh extreemly loud at that. With that there was a big out burst of laughter and our pastor said No try again. He never did get it right but the nickname stuck with me for the trip. We had a question time after that. And of course more free time before bed. I fell apart while we where doing questions. I just dont favor the "Hell" questions. Having lost my Grandpa and being on a total lack of sleep. I wrote a poem for my Grandpa and got the chance to talk with JC again. We haven't talked about thing in a long time so it was nice. She let me use her airmattress for that night! Talk about THE GREATEST NIGHT OF SLEEP the ENTIRE TRIP! Yes thats right i slept!!

Got up monday morning had cold pizza for a tideme over till brunch. Played a game that i Wish i knew the answer too cause its still driving me up the wall!!! packed the van and bus and headed off to brunch then to home! It was a great trip! Loved it all!!!

Ski lift scare!!!!

K well the day was going great learned how to use the toe edge of my snowboard! I did a few small tricks not trying to at all but i did! At one point i lost my group but that was not as big as the scare at the end of the night. I have a huge bruise on my knee and a small bruise on my other knee. My big toes hurt but my ego is what hurt the most at the end of the night. So on to the story!

It was the last run of the night before we went in to leave I was on the lift with one of the girls i hang with the rest of the crew was on the lift ahead of us! It was one of those nice longer rides up cause the lift had to be stopped for someone and we all know how that feels sitting there and all you want to do is be going down the hill. We ended up talking about how we dislike it when they have to stop the lift. It makes everyone impatient. At this time i didnt care that we stopped i like it when the lift stops at night. Any way when we got up towards the top of the lift we where getting ready to get off and i was having a BIG problem!!!! I was STUCK!!!! My friend i was ridding up with was trying to get the BUNGIE CORD off my snowpants!!! we got to the top my friend as she was getting off was yelling "STOP THE LIFT STOP THE LIFT!!!". Well as i swing around like i was going to ride the lift back down there was a bar that said hit to stop. So i moved my board so that it would hit it! So the ski lift stopped. While of course i am sitting there trying to get the cord off my pants and i hear some guys off in the distance on the ski lift pointing at me yelling "WHAT THE HECK DID YOU DO WHY DID YOU STOP IT?". At this time i yelled back laughing "I HAVE A BUNGIE CORD STUCK TO MY SNOW PANTS! THATS WHY!". The guy that works in the lift house came to help me as me and the other snowboarders where talking/yelling back and fourth to eachother. The guy was like "So what happened" "I am stuck on the cord and i couldnt get it off my snow pants in time to get off!" How could i not laugh as i said that. So he took off my board from my foot so i could jump off the lift and get back to the crew. I got laughed at so bad after that! My ego after that was soo low i was soooo embaressed!

Who knew!!!

Well what an eventful night i had when i got back from dinner out! I came home and i was excited to have a nice peaceful night till i looked into the living room in the basement and saw MY couch cushion on the floor ripped apart! OK i spent my own money i earned when i was 16 so i would have funiture for when i moved out! Well on top of that someone was at the house that was not to be here cause it was against the rule while my parents where gone cause they went to a funeral in Iowa! To finish off the night I went to go get the milk out of the fridge and well the maple syrup fell out hit the floor and the plastic bottle broke. Syrup was everywhere on the floor it may not have been smart to use 3 towels to get it off the floor. The floor is most likely still sticky!!! How do i fix that problem and how do i get the syrup off the towels!!!?????

Who knows what the future holds....

As many know I am at the point where I need to decide what to do with my life. People as questions like "What do you want to be when you grow up?","Where are you going to go after highschool is over?", and "What is God leading you to do?". I have been dealing with this alot lately well i can tell you the answer to 1 of the 3 questions!

I want to work with youth at a church. I love helping others and i am gifted in it. I had the chance to intern under a youth pastor i met at camp a few years ago. I loved it answering questions, leading discussions, helping with activities, and planning things! Helping people is a huge thing i love to do! anyone who knows me well knows this!

As for where is God leading me! Well working with youth at some point talking to kids about struggles in life and having the faith to get through it with God!

Now for number 2 well at this time God only knows where i will end up. I am struggeling with knowing what God wants and what my parents want. I want to do YWAM or FMMC like God wants not go to school and get a degree in business to take over one of my pa's companys cause i know i will not like that at all. I mean as it is I totally dislike economics with a burning passion!!!!

I talked to many people and for the most part people are telling me to go to business school then if i still feel led to do what God wants then its ok to do that. Well to me that goes back to the way socity thinks "The more eduication the better the job and the more of an adult you are!" Well let me tell you something the pressure is too much if i do any thing to please someone i want to please God! I know it will be one of the hardest things ever but its going to be alright!

The best advice i have got so far is from a close friend i love but have never had the chance to personally meet yet. She told me this tonight while we where talking about this:
"If you know that God is calling you to do something different than what everyone else wants you to do- follow Him. Everything else will work out in due time and if it doesn't, it's their hearts that are wrong."