Far Beyond....

So lately I have had a switch flip in my life in a good way as far as I am concerned. I have applied for YWAM in New Zealand so I am to hear this week on if I get accepted and I am nervous. I have no backup plan if this falls through at this point. On that note I have taken this step totally blind not knowing what will happen. I am praying for success on this one for once. Im not going for the middle ground of oh I tried if i don't get this i will be upset. I am looking forward to getting out of the house, seeing the world, and sharing my faith all at the same time.The bible study I have been doing with my Well family has been a great lesson. We have been doing Phillippians by Matt Chandler some great stuff. I also have been learning a lot in Acts since we are going over that at The Well. I also have been trying to get in the hang of doing a quiet time each day. I must say that is something I needed in my life. I love it, it is such a great way to grow. I have learned to be real and come to him like a child. I have to say i did learn from little kids. As my babysitting gig has somehow transformed in to somewhat of a full-time job at this point. I always see how blunt kids are and that is how I am trying to be with God. He tells us to ask and have faith like a child yet i never took that serious or understood what it meant to come to him with faith like a child. Everyday I get more blunt with him about relationships and YWAM. He knows my heart and I am learning my heart and what is in it.

Along with this I want to bring a song in to this blog. I heard this for the first time ever on Sunday at The Well and it was totally my prayer for my life as I was standing there singing it.

"We Will Worship You" Lyrics
by Carlos Whittaker | from the album Calros Whittaker - EP


We fix our eyes on You, You are God alone
We fix our eyes on You, You’re our only hope
For all we have to lose is our very souls

We fix our eyes on You, You are God alone
We fix our eyes on You, You’re our only hope
For all we have to lose is our very souls

Save us from these comforts
Break us of our need for the familiar
Spare us any joy that’s not of You
And we will worship You
Yeah, we will worship You

Satisfy us, Lord, in Your unfailing love
Satisfy us, Lord, that You would be enough
We have nothing here, let Your kingdom come

Save us from these comforts
Break us of our need for the familiar
Spare us any joy that’s not of You
And we will worship You
Yeah, we will worship You

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Save us from these comforts
Break us of our need for the familiar
Spare us any joy that’s not of You
And we will worship You
Yeah, we will worship You



My favorite part of this song is this:
Save us from these comforts
Break us of our need for the familiar
Spare us any joy that’s not of You
And we will worship You
Yeah, we will worship You

If we were real with God about this a lot of us would have to say we want to stay in our comfort but if you stay there you will be stuck and will go no where. I have been taking so may steps in faith out of my contorts and God has been taking me out of the familiar because He has joys that are beyond me if I choose to follow Him with my heart. I just looked at my life recently and noticed that this song right where I am is my story at this time. I pray that it continues to be my story and my reflection of God and who He is and what He has done for me in my life. I hope if you get the time you will listen to this song sometime. We all get stuck in the familiar and the comforts in life because we like those sometimes or a lot of times. It takes a growing person to step out of those things and totally lean on God. Thats all I have for now...maybe I'll have more to say later.

2 Corinthians 3:18

As most of you know i have attended a camp called Wood Lake Bible Camp for 5 years. Well I made it 6 this year due to the fact i went as a cabin leader for 2 weeks. The first week was Sr. High week. I wanted to be up there that week cause the thursday of Sr. High week was the week i accepted Christ in to my heart and i wanted to share that with the campers!! Well I was a co leader with a girl i knew from a winter retreat up at camp and her nae is Jenny. I have to say camp was different this year. We didnt have Leslie and her family there as the camp deans for the week and JAH, Whitney, Isabell, and the band did not make it this year either. However we still had an amazing week. Jenny and I had a cabin of Freshmen girls the first week together. I found out 6 of the 13 girls in the cabin were from my town and out of the 6 i knew 3. I had my loved little one Sydney she has been my minni me for 6 years now. Her mom was my small group leader in 8th gread when i started going to church. Well as the week went on frustration and tention started building. Our entire cabin with the excption of one girl where compleetly united. We never really got over that at all but oh well. One night i was broke there was alot going on behind the senes over the days. When i got there i was extreemly excited to be up there and i love the girls in the cabin. Well monday comes and my dad had called the office cause he couldnt get ahold of me on my cell. So i called him back during my freetime. Bad choice on my part....I got yelled at the entire time i was on the phone with him... I was getting hit with things like your waisting your time doing dumb stuff like this for free life is about money and business. You need to stop foolishy using your time hanging out with teens. Your not going back next week... ect. This continued everyday till wednesday when i told him not to call me cause no matter how many times he called i couldnt leave anyway!!! That first day however i was so broke on monday during my freetime after that phone call i took my journal to the front step of the cabin and i was going to journal and anna walked by.. Anna was someone i was not to fond of till the last day of camp last year and i was unsure if i wanted to talk to her about my life just yet. how ever she saw something was going on and stoped in her path and asked if i was ok and if i wanted to talk. Me being who i am said i think im fine yah ill be fine. Jenny had came back from the store and joined me on the step and i had told her what was going on with my dad and back came anna so we both quick changed the convo. Well the fact that we changed the convo did nothing at all Anna gave me the "stair down" and when she gives that it instills fear in a person and in her stern but loveing and caring voice she said you will find me during the campers freetime and we will talk about whats going on. all i said was k i mean what else could i do... Well we did end up talking and boy was i glad i did. We have the same kinda relationships in our family with us being the only christians so she was a great encouragement and on top of it she knows some people who play big roles in my life. I also what was going on with my cabin buddy Amanda! She is another amazing girl who i was blessed to meet. Cabin buddies would hang with the kids while we were in meetings and they would come do devos with us at night.

So all week the sermon was on reflecting God's glory..never thought i would get sooo much out of a sermon the entire week. I figured one night i would compleetly relate to the sermon but it was odd each day went with what was going on in my life that day. One night we talked about steping out in faith and we had an alter time. Well he did the whole close your eyes....If you want to make a commitment to God saying your going to step out and follow him please come to the alter.....If you want to commite to accept him in your heart please come up.....and lastly if you are going to live your life for God and let nothing get in your way please come forward... We prayed then we were allowed to open our eyes i was brought to tears by what i saw ALL my girls in my cabin we at the alter making a commitment to God!!!! I could not have been more blessed to see that happen!!!! Well the girls wanted to hear my faith story from begining to end and i told them i would share it...Amanda was super excited to hear it to!! The last nigh of camp i was sooo nervious they wanted me to tell my whole life everything good bad and ugly. Well I did everything from the attempts to take my life, to the abuse, to what kept me alive. Sydney was in tears when she heard that if it wasnt for her and her mom Jody being there to teach me about God i dont know if i would be here. All she could do was look me in the eyes and ask "Does my mom know this?" I told her No only a few people know my entire story. Another one of my girls was mad that someone would abuse a little girl. I think it was a good way to end that week. I love those girls and miss them loads...

So the campers all left and i had to yet again give peggy a ride home from camp like i have for the past 2-3 years now. Amanda was worried and so was Anna that i wouldnt be back the next week but after hearing a sermon that week and knowing where God wanted me and the fact that it was an once in a life time oppertunity i was totally going to be at camp for the 5th-7th graders the next week. So i went to the office to hand in my paper work and Tim the director pulled me in his office and asked if i would be back and i said no doubt! He told me i wouldnt be with Jenny when i came back but i would have a Jr. cabin leader with me by the name of Billie!! I was soo excited i loved picking on billie for the fact she couldnt get the hula hoop to work sr.high week. Well i knew that i would have to find a place to stay for saturday night to sunday. So i texted my mom saying i had to be up there for the next week. Well i got home found a card on my bed for a wedding shower for a friends wedding i was in so i called and one of my friends who just got off work picked me up and brought me over. On my way to the shower i got a call from my Sunday school teacher Alisha! I told her what was going on and that my dad was mad about my decission to go work up at camp for free and that he didnt want me home between camps so she let me spend the night at her place.

So i get back to the house after the shower and i went to put stuff in the dryer and i ran up stairs to grab something and my dad stoped me and did the whole strict voice "What do you think your doing here?" bit on me and i told him i was grabbing some things i needed then i would be gone so i grabbed hangers and put all my 1/4 dry clothes on hangers and put them in the car and started to drive. Called Alisha and she didnt sound like herself so she told me what was going on and that she wouldnt be talkative like normal or hyper and perkie. I told her that was fine.. I was sooo tired from camp that i really wanted introvert time. Well I got to her place and she helped me with my wet clothes and we put them in the dryer we made a pasta dinner then decited to watch a movie...This part is funny k so we wanted to watch mall cop tried for 1/2 an hour to get it to work then gave up. The ones she wanted to see i had already seen and we couldnt find one that neither of us had seen that we wanted to see. So she did the whole "K so if you had to watch another one of the movies agin what movie would it be and could we watch it?!!?" I told her excitedly "TAKEN!!!". I have seen it twice and i would love to see it again!!! So thats what we did. I had to laugh cause she would be commening on things in the movie and she got frustrated at one point paused it and said " Well when me and betty went to irlend we did.....ect." I couldnt stop laughing in my head cause she stole the next lines of the movie right before he had the chance to say them. Well on and off throughout the entire movie she would make comments. We hit a point and we need a bathroom/laundry break so we paused the movie and i did my laundry and we ended up talking about the entire weeks worth of sremons form Sr.High camp and she sat there and took notes then we made ice cream sundays and finnished the movie. The next day we got up and got ready for church. Wow what a weekend to have her in my life. We did something totally different than anything we had done before at church. We played songs and when through the A.C.T.S. of prayer. It was amazing that God blessed me with such an amazing woman there by my side when i was falling apart. After service we had class it was neat cause she took some of the notes we taked about from the night before and used them in class. After that i was off to camp.

I got there drove to my cabin and Billie was already sitting on her bed ready to have fun!! I was soo excited to see her and she was excited we were going to be together the whole week. So i went to move my car back to the parking spot on the upper part of camp. So i walked down and Anna was sitting on her front step of the cabin and i was soo happy to see her. She was happy i was back and asked me how it went when i got home and i told her i ended up staying with Alisha and i told her Alisha said HI!! i found out when me and anna talked the first week they work together along with betty who was my cabin leader for the retreat one winter there. Well we got our cabin of girls finally and we had 13girls! I knew none of them Jenny had all the girls from hudson again. Dinner came and i forgot to tell Amanda i was back cause last she heard i wanted to but was unsure if i was able to. So she just so happended to be serving the line we were in and she was amazed i was back!! I was just hoping i would have her as a cabin buddy again but i figured Jenny would have her. That was fine with me too. Needless to say i was slow getting to our cabin that first night for devos and of course i had the bed behind the door so when you open the door you see nothing behind it and i was standing in the doorway talking and i finally closed the door and screamed cause there was Amanda sitting on my bed!! It was awesome to have her back i found out she traded to be in my cabin!!! Me and billie decited to do one on ones with the girls to get to know them and where they are in faith and the monday one of the girls decited to accept christ in her life so that was awesome!!! tuesday night the girls wanted me to share my faith story and not just parts but all. I was a lot more nervious this time than i was the week before I didnt know if i could handle telling them some of the things. Well i did share everything i was shaking the entire time and had a hard time making eye contact well telling them my story but it was so relivent to the point we wanted to make to them. That point was that the only beauty that matters is the beauty God sees in you not what others see or want you to be. That night my story became reality when i went to sleep. I was back in those woods I could hear all the lies and horrid words he yelled at me. He was hitting me all over again and touching me in ways that he never should have been. Well needless to say it felt like reality so much that i found out i scared my campers cause i was sleep talking. They ended waking up billie and had her wake me up. The next morning when billie woke me up for our meeting she asked me if i was ok and if i knew i was sleep talking. I told her i had no idea. She told me how a few of the campers were scared to wake me up cause i was moving around alot and saying things like no...stop...stop it....h...e...l...p... She told me she asked me if i was ok when i was in my dream and i said no and she said i was sleep talking and i snaped out of it. Well as the day went on i was scared it would keep happening at night. One day at camp Anna, Jenny, Amanda, and I were all standing around talking and Amanda wanted to hear Annas story so anna told us. As she was talking Jenny looked over at me and told me i needed and shoudld talk to anna cause we have been through alot of the same things and she thought it would help so did Amanda and Billie too cause that same day they said the same thing. Well we hit the day were we play the relay race our cabin was excited but 1 of the girls was sick so i decited to sit out then another one got sick with something else then one was hurtting. so i went to the cabin and took care of the two sick girls. Another girl came down to the cabin sick then one came down hurt. So we were sitting in a dark cabin girls sick and hurtting all over the cabin and i started feeling sick. I heard some of the most amazing things out of these girls during that time. One looked and me and said "satan is trying to take us down one by one would you pray please just pray!!!" So i did i just prayed my heart out for these girls and the camp. as i was doing so the nurse walked in. After about 10mins of her being gone one of the girls was feeling worse and another one of the girls asked me to just read my bible it didnt matter what i was reading out of it they just wanted me to read it. wow those girls amazed me time and time again!!! The next day we all felt fine however my heart was still hurtting and i hadnt had a chance to talk to anna and i broke down during evening worship. I was soo thankfull for Jenny next to me holding me and knowing what i was broken over and she asked me in my brokenness and tears if i had talked to anna all i could do was shake my head..Then devan game me a hug and billie grabbed my hand and held on the oppiset side jenny was on. When worship was over i gave them all hugs and David came over and just gave me the biggest hug i have ever got from a guy. Even while we where in our little staff prayer time i was still shakking and in tears and amanda just held me along with my friend shelby. That was the last night of camp. I never did get the chance to talk to anna at camp but i did send her the questions i wanted to ask her. I miss everyone from camp staff and campers!!! Hope this was worth reading for those of you who read it!!


"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:18

listening...

K so it's time for me to listen and follow. I have had a few convos with different people about what to do with my life and I am striving for God and what he wants and what he has put on my hear. This is going to be a full summer. I am applying to go to college now not just for what my parents want me to do but also applying for college to work in youth ministry! This summer I have applied to work at camp to be a cabin leader the entire month of July. I am excited for what God has in store for me. Along with all this the past year I have been wanting to put together a girls conference. At this conference I want to address different issues and struggles teen girls face now a days. I am going to take steps this summer to get this off the ground. I have a few people who said they would speak at the conference already so if I can get this off the ground it will be awesome!!

Lessons to be learned that are Lifeshaping!!

I have learned alot this past semester in Lifeshaping at my church. I have an amazing woman who leads class who will be called AC in this blog. We went through the book respectiable sins. In the class we did alot of wworksheets and some fun game analigies to go along with them. I had been getting a lot out of this class but i was extreemly quiet during the class answering questions only when i had to. I was struggling with a lot while in this class. It brought back this i didnt want to remember and other things that have torn me down. I got to the point one week during class that i wanted to thank AC for all that she had done and we all seem to leave the class room with a bit of a mess so me deciding to be who i am cleaned up. AC and i had a good convo for awhile that day while i was in there and i left chruch feeling different in some way. Later that night i went to Latte and heard amazing testamonies by 2 wonderful women from our church one who i grow closer to everytime i see her. That night i was struggling with alot of emotions of things in my life and pressures i have. I had got a phone call from a friend of my that added to my stress as it was. When all of a sudden i hear my name called. I turn around with my eyes watering and all the pain of everything i had been dealing with and there was AC. She came over and gave me one of the biggest hugs ever and it made my night. She had asked how i was and for once i couldnt hide how i was feeling at all(even if i wanted to). So we talked for a bit then decided we would get together sometime to talk. I had recived a call from her but i told her i was unable to talk about it over the phone. We got together last wed for coffee. I had told her why i was so quiet in class and that it was not like me at all to be a quiet person. If you know me i always like to answer any question i can. Well a lot of you don't know a lot of the stuff i have been struggling with. So i am going to be extremely vulnerable right now. This is hard for me to do but i need to. I try to live up to some high standards i have set for myself. I have received these "standards" from what i have heard from: family, friends, t.v, magazines,and the world around me. I have major issues with how i see myself. I always found myself to be ugly,fat,not worth anything, and unloved. Its hard living a life to unrealistic standards. I am the "goody two shoes" in the family so i cant make a mistake or the world will come to an end and I would love to hear i am loved and that i am beautiful from my dad for once again in my life. I am slowly overcoming this area of struggle and i found good things to focus on about me. Thanks to AC! I love my smile and i am starting to love my eyes,along with my unique since of style. A huge thing that has been hard for me is Trust. It is extremely hard for me to trust anyone especially guys. My dad stopped coming to my special things i would do no matter how many times i asked and if he did he would leave before they started. I can remember being at my volleyball game like 10mins before it started and it was a tournament and dad came over to me and said he was going to leave to go visit my cousin vs stay for my game. This has continued still to this day. I cant even get him to do anything with me. I just want my dad who use to love me and find me good enough to hangout with back. Due to this trust with my dad it has carried over into my relationship with God my Father. I can trust everything He says but only in my head and not in my heart. This is a huge thing that i am trying to work through and if anyone has advice or some good bible verses to help that would be great! I am so grateful that I have grown so much in that class and that AC is one of those teachers/friends that is there to help us teens! Cant wait to continue class this summer who knows what else God has in-store for all us teens in that class!

I have a few verses i read right away when i wake up and i meditate on them through out the day and i love these verses cause they are sooo true!

Galatians 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Philippians 4:8-9
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, what ever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

1 Peter 5:8-9
Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.


Thats all i have to say for today. God bless!

Why does this always happen to me!

I am tired of the comments flying around this house about me. Yes i have reached the point where i constantly feel like i have to defend myself against what is being said. I don't care if i am not up to their standards i just want to be up to the standards God has on my heart and we all fall short. I don't like it when people use my faith against me by saying "Isn't that what a "good" Christian would do?" or "Your faith is a cult!". I am sick of it. I just want to leave but i have no where to go. I have been running to God for so long that i feel that that is the only safe place anywhere for me to go. People keep telling me my dreams are useless and will get me nowhere in life. Well its not life i am worried about i am worried about not doing what God whats from me.God is the one in charge and He rules my life. At least i believe in Him and finally trust Him. I understand that no human will love me like He does i just wish my earthly family would love me too. I honestly feel like i don't know how to dream anymore. Every time i try to have dreams of what i would like to do and i share them i hear "thats dumb", "You won't make money doing that",and "you wont be any good at that.". I understand we all go through hard stuff in life and God will never give us more than we can bare. I would like a time away from the house. I totally wish my grad party was not the weekend of the Spiritual retreat. That is something i will have to do sometime. For some restoration time. I guess maybe this summer i will take a week and go pitch my tent and live a week with no electronics. I think it would be nice to do that again. God grant me strength to get through this!

A kiss on my forehead and an embrace from a friend.

No one knows my whole story..about my past or present. I feel like a burden when i talk to people most of the time cause thats how i am treated alot. I am not better than anyone cause of my faith so please dont treat me that way. Tonight i talked to a friend i have told very little about anything going on past or present. It was after our church woman's ministry called Latte! Tonight we had a woman come in and tell us her story of abuse. I have to admit i was in tears but for more reasons than anyone knows. Well after it was over i was in the hall and a friend asked if things were going better. There is something about her that i just cant explain. I feel like i cant hide anything from her even though we dont talk often to eachother. Well I told her i wasnt doing much better than the last time we talked and i told her things it takes me years to tell anyone! The things i told her hurt my life alot and my quilt God is still mending for me. I told her things about the present that no one no matter how close they are to me know. I have never been so overflowed with God love at one time. Just to hear the word "I am here for you and i love you!" are some of the hardest things for me to hear. We went into the dark auditorium and sat in chairs and she prayed for me all the time letting me use her shoulder to cry on as she comforted me and prayed over me. How can anyone love someone thats not part of their family? I know that we are all a part of God's family and i dont even understand how God can love me..but i know he does. I guess its always been hard cause i dont hear it from my parents unless other people are around so that they can put on a "im a good parent face" for the world. Dont get me wrong they are good parents and i love them i just do hear im loved. I loved the part where my friend prayed that God would take me with my head down and embrace me and Kiss me on my forehead. WOW! What an image that put in my mind.When she was done praying it was nice to know that she was and will be around to support me and help me take the steps i need to take to better my life. God poured out soo much into my heart at one i am still in tears about everything that happened. Thanks God for answering my prayers!!! I love you soo much and i am overjoyed to call you my Father!!!!

How long can you believe a lie?

I have been extra stressed lately. I can never seem to hit the ground running in the right directions these days. Pressure from school,college, deciding what to do next year, family, friends, Faith, work, everything is building pressure. I don't handle stress great cause i enternalize everything! I wont tell people how i feel unless they can see it. I always feel that if they cant tell then they dont care. Parents are pushing me to make decissions and it seems everytime i do they dont like the one i make. Trying to have faith right now is crazy hard. I keep falling and breaking. I get beat down and i beat myself up over it. Past come back and haunts me and makes me believe the lies satan is telling me. School well its my last year for highschool and that in its self is enough pressure for me but on top of that lets through in planning a grad party that is 1 and 1/2 months away! As for College my bible class i take on saturdays is great but it messes with my schedule like none other i get out of bed early or late i never seem to get out of the house at the right time! Deciding my life for next year i just want to through in the rag and give up! I dont wanna go for business and all my dreams for the next year keep getting pushed away and knocked down by what my parents expect of me! Its my life i wanna decide what to do! Family life well its stressful like always! Constant battle for me to do the right thing, make the right decission, not messing up, saying the wrong thing, and not making anybody mad. Come on! Friends well what about it! Some of them make me feel like they are using me to get something like rides or other things. Don't really have those deep friends anymore cause everyone else is always doing things together. Or like the big thing now is all the teens that went to Mexico they are their own click again so the few peeps i did talk to kinda ignore me now. The job thing i love the babysitting and nanny jobs i do it is one of my passions to be able to work and have fun with kids. However helping my mom with her 2 businesses not my passion or even something i want to be over involved in cause i cant stand that. The rav. business is the only one i could see myself doing something with cause i am the only one in the fam out of the kids who likes doing that. The pressure builds continually and i am having a hard time with this all and no one is around to talk anymore! I dont know how long i can believe the lies i tell myself to get through the day.

I tell my self i can handle all the pressure! I can run a business or 2! I can set aside my dreams and passions to do something i dont want to do! I can cram more in my week! I dont need friends! I dont need to talk to people! No one really cares about whats going on in my life! I am not worth anything! and so on there are so many lies i tell myself in a given day its sad.

I God has been breaking me of my ways slowly and its still a daily struggle to believe everything God says is true! if ya took time to read this sorry for my ranting but i needed to put it out there i dont care if you care or not i just had to do something to relieve some pressure.

In a place i loved.

Who would have thought i would be at this point right now but God. Tonight i went to the one place i loved for the past 4 years. Tonight i was the most fake person i have ever been. I wore my mask all night that said i am soo happy to be here and cant wait to see what the year has in store. When in reality nothing was the same. I have NEVER felt more alone then tonight. The kids i went back for this year have NEW friends so i get kicked to the side. NO ONE can read my feelings any more. I hate to say this but i dont want to go back what so ever. It was so hard faking how i felt tonight i just wanted to leave but i couldnt.(helps to have no car) Now i am just so lost on what to do. I am afraid this feeling is just going to get worse as the year goes on. I am having a hard time trusting people again. Feeling like you dont belong is the worst feeling ever and i feel that way all over again. Maybe i should just keep going back faking how i feel every time like i did tonight. How can a place you once loved and belonged to end up like this with you being the outsider in a place you loved? Thats all i want to know.......I pray Lord that you will help me through this and that i will not have this feeling any more Lord. I need your help.