sorry!

Sorry for not keeping up for the past 4 months! Here is life as it stands right now. Currently i am in NEW ZEALAND!!! I never thought i would get here yet here i am. spiritually i am growing but at the same time i feel a cave in. Right now we have been here for 5 weeks. I am getting into a serious state of introvertedness... thats right the side of me that none of you tend to see is rearing its ugly face. i am currently sitting out side the back of the house all the blinds around the windows facing where i am are closed. I love it here though the sky is currently covered with fast moving clouds and its a nice blue hew and a touch of pink. i am hungry for more of God at the time and i pray that that hunger continues. I do miss my one on one times with people back home. There are families i miss more than ever right now and things i wish i could be back for. wow that was amusing i have no idea what just happened but there was girls screaming and pans crashing and clanging in the kitchen just now. Any way back to what i was saying. life here is so busy we really have no down time and now that i am on housekeeping i have NO freetime to do anything anymore. I still need to do one on one time with my small group leader and come up with a plan for our group time on wednesday but i have had no time to do that. I honestly have no idea an i am just living life second by second here. I got to call my grandma for the first time since i have been here and that was the greatest thing ever! I not only got to talk to her but my Great aunt and uncle Kathy and Jim. It was great convos and i do miss them. Its odd having been in school for a little over a month and hearing about all the little kiddos from back home starting up preschool and elementary school or even middle and high school. I have been in contact with those starting college and its hard to be honest. i do wish i was back home at points. I would love more than ever to be there when my sister walks through the door this week home from the marines. Yet at the same time i know what God has called me to do with my life and that also puts a bit of fear in my life in a good way though. I like knowing im going in the right direction in my life right now and i know my calling beyond right now but this right now is preparation for what is to come. I honestly dont know if and when i will come back to the states. I am officially here as of now till dec 27th but that looks like it may change if all this keeps up.

Far Beyond....

So lately I have had a switch flip in my life in a good way as far as I am concerned. I have applied for YWAM in New Zealand so I am to hear this week on if I get accepted and I am nervous. I have no backup plan if this falls through at this point. On that note I have taken this step totally blind not knowing what will happen. I am praying for success on this one for once. Im not going for the middle ground of oh I tried if i don't get this i will be upset. I am looking forward to getting out of the house, seeing the world, and sharing my faith all at the same time.The bible study I have been doing with my Well family has been a great lesson. We have been doing Phillippians by Matt Chandler some great stuff. I also have been learning a lot in Acts since we are going over that at The Well. I also have been trying to get in the hang of doing a quiet time each day. I must say that is something I needed in my life. I love it, it is such a great way to grow. I have learned to be real and come to him like a child. I have to say i did learn from little kids. As my babysitting gig has somehow transformed in to somewhat of a full-time job at this point. I always see how blunt kids are and that is how I am trying to be with God. He tells us to ask and have faith like a child yet i never took that serious or understood what it meant to come to him with faith like a child. Everyday I get more blunt with him about relationships and YWAM. He knows my heart and I am learning my heart and what is in it.

Along with this I want to bring a song in to this blog. I heard this for the first time ever on Sunday at The Well and it was totally my prayer for my life as I was standing there singing it.

"We Will Worship You" Lyrics
by Carlos Whittaker | from the album Calros Whittaker - EP


We fix our eyes on You, You are God alone
We fix our eyes on You, You’re our only hope
For all we have to lose is our very souls

We fix our eyes on You, You are God alone
We fix our eyes on You, You’re our only hope
For all we have to lose is our very souls

Save us from these comforts
Break us of our need for the familiar
Spare us any joy that’s not of You
And we will worship You
Yeah, we will worship You

Satisfy us, Lord, in Your unfailing love
Satisfy us, Lord, that You would be enough
We have nothing here, let Your kingdom come

Save us from these comforts
Break us of our need for the familiar
Spare us any joy that’s not of You
And we will worship You
Yeah, we will worship You

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Save us from these comforts
Break us of our need for the familiar
Spare us any joy that’s not of You
And we will worship You
Yeah, we will worship You



My favorite part of this song is this:
Save us from these comforts
Break us of our need for the familiar
Spare us any joy that’s not of You
And we will worship You
Yeah, we will worship You

If we were real with God about this a lot of us would have to say we want to stay in our comfort but if you stay there you will be stuck and will go no where. I have been taking so may steps in faith out of my contorts and God has been taking me out of the familiar because He has joys that are beyond me if I choose to follow Him with my heart. I just looked at my life recently and noticed that this song right where I am is my story at this time. I pray that it continues to be my story and my reflection of God and who He is and what He has done for me in my life. I hope if you get the time you will listen to this song sometime. We all get stuck in the familiar and the comforts in life because we like those sometimes or a lot of times. It takes a growing person to step out of those things and totally lean on God. Thats all I have for now...maybe I'll have more to say later.

Your arms hold me together!

K so I wanted to take some time to write this week out of the craziness of life. As you know if you read my last post I am working on a conference and it is this Saturday. Well in the past week God had brought me to new places in my faith through the planning process of the conference. Last week we lost sponsorship for the conference cause they backed out. I was a wreck trying to find a way to get the $400 we would need to pull off the conference! I broke down on Saturday in the car on my way home from Como. I had no idea what to do and I had been asking God a whole lot of questions like Why now? Why did this happen? And even what i was to do. I ended up making a call as i came to the Hudson bridge and talked with a wonderful woman. She had asked me a few questions like Does God really what this to happen or is it a door that is closing? I to be honest didn't like to think that it could be God closing that door considering i slammed that door in his face when i said no a few years back. I also couldn't wrap my head around the fact that all those times i was thinking of backing down from this He would do something so big that i knew that i was to keep moving froward with the conference. She had prayed on the phone with me over the situation and we hung up. The rest of the day i couldn't get past that question and the idea of being ok with the door closing on me if thats what God wanted. All throughout the day little things would point to move forward and Trust in God. i was unsure if that was me wanting to believe that thats what He wanted or if it was Him. I left the house to go to bible study that night and oh my did God make it clear what i needed to do. I needed to keep going but He had to have ALL CONTROL. Durning small group we split off and did a time of confession and man i spilled over. I told the women i was with about my control problem and wanting to know the out come of what was going to happen but knowing God had to have all control and i just needed to trust in Him and how i was afraid to. I like knowing weather things will work or not before they happen so i can brace myself but this time God said NO!! After that one of the girls had an idea to get the money. We went back down stairs to meet up with the guys and pray as a group. I shared the situation with the group to be prayed over and if you know me i'm known to smirk when i ask for prayer but i will admit this is the one time i didn't smirk. I just didn't see how God could do it. However the group had a few ideas. I left that night with $65 for the conference.

I went to church the next morning with a different attitude. I had seen Alisha who is the speaker for the conference and shared what happened with her and the pastor who hold the small group i go to came over and said i looked like a different person compared to the night before. He jokingly said to us that maybe I should tell my speaker that she needs to charge less. We laughed as she said "i'm not getting paid i'm doing it out of love and kindness!" Before He left he said "Don't worry we got it covered." My mind was racing what does that mean? but i chose to trust him and that night when i got home from babysitting one of the guys from my small group was on facebook and opened a chat with me and said he had a guy who would sponsor me for what ever we don't have by Thursday!!! That made me overjoyed in seeing how God works and brings things together in His timing and His control if we just let him! So i'm still looking for sponsors but knowing that if i keep getting turned down that there is a person who will cover what i need! God provides in ways we never think and we just need to be in His arms and trust cause He will hold us together!

long time no post...

Well most of you may or may not know what has been going on in my life lately so here goes nothing...For the past few months i have been planing a conference called Identity In Him Women's Conference. It for women in highschool and college looking to find their true identity in Christ. I have noticed an increase in women that age struggling with identity in life. Last month i went through a drought in my ability to do things that are so big and out there. This conference being one of them i hit the bottom and was unsure how to do this anymore but God kept telling me and giving me little things to show the direction. I was at the bottom one night so badly and i was at a Barlowgirl concert in MN. Well Alyssa was talking about one of their songs called a million voices. She had said that our generation need to be bold and do those things that people believe we cant do and how the media lies to us and how we need to change our world! That was like a slap in the face to me and i needed that it has lit a huge fire in me and has opened may doors for me. This conference is now 1 month away and on April 10th i will be sharing in front of a group of women a story of changing you name. I found this thanks to the concert. Alyssa had struggled with something huge in her life and found Is. 62 helpful in knowing if you let God take you he can change your name. I had been holding names on myself that had no need to be there. I love the name Beloved! That is my name to God thats how he sees me!

Well along with that there is a lot of fighting about peoples futures in our house. I have been wanting to do YWAM for a few years now and i decited to listen to God and chase down that dream. I am working on my app for going. Yes as usual my dad hated the idea of me doing it yet at the same time he condones it. Now i feel like i have been flying under the family radar by planning the YWAM decision. The focus and fighting turned off me on to my sister after a week of my dad hating my idea for my life and him trying to push me in the direction he thought i should go. He had had my sister sold on his idea of the air force and well she decited to not go that way and go into a different branch. My parents have been fighting with her for the past month about this choice and well tonight they sign the papers letting her do it. However i know i will still be lashed out on in frustration and anger over her choice cause its been that for for a while now. there is soo much tension in the house everylittle thing can set anyone person off at any moment. The attitudes are hard to deal with. We have turned into a family of yelling and fighting and i hate it. I try to stay out of it and keep my mouth shut but even getting your breakfast ready in the morning can open a door for a fight because there is no milk. Its not that you said anything about it but one person will turn around and yell "There is no f-in milk!" then another person will lash out on you and try to get you to join in. i have made note of this to just walk away. But how many times can one do that when the words coming out of ones mouth is soo hurtful to the one on the receiving end. I am focusing on where God is leading and i know he has a way out of here for me and i need to wait for it to come. It hurts to not have family support in the decisions i make but i found it makes me a stronger person and my ability to stand up for what i know is truth in life! They may not help with with YWAM or this conference but God has placed a good family around me to support me in my life.

I went to meet Alisha who is a great woman and the speaker for the conference the other day and she saw me like i have never been. I was confident, stong, and happy! She has always seen the struggle in my life and has helped me through. She loved to hear all that was going on and kept telling me it was great to see me smile again and confident in God's leading on my life. I was fearless in a way for once. She was excited to hear my future plans and is supportive of what is in the makings for my life! Another few people who have been a huge encouragement in my life would be Pastor Dave and his family. Dave and his wife are great to open there house to about 20 college age students at 9pm on a saturday for a biblestudy! Last week Dave during a prayer request i had looked over and noticed me smirking while i was asking for prayer over what was going on. Dave just looked at me and said "Syd i love how you smirk every time you ask for prayer. You just make me smile cause your smirk gives me the I know God's going to do something and my family just doesn't know it look when you do that! You just have confidence in the fact that God will do something!" I thought about that on the way home that night and i came to the conclusion that if i couldn't smile while asking for prayer over something i know God will do something with then would my faith in him be real. I mean if i asked for prayer thinking God could do nothing that would just be a huge joke. I mean i smile cause i know God is the one that matters in my life and i wanna live for him and if we don't ask we will never get an answer. So i smile knowing God is there listening and will give an answer in time. Dave's wife has been another huge help in my life right now with my YWAM application. She has talked to me and is supporting me and helping me with my questions and application and is in prayer for me and this. Her kiddos are soo sweet too. I know that whole family will be praying for this for me and it makes me excited! Her son and daughter where watching the application come out of the printer sheet by sheet and where excited to hear where God my bring me!

I love all you out there and God bless each one of you!

Who am I?

Who am I is the question i have had in my head since this car crash i was in on Dec.2 2009. I'm trying to get over the fact that i may be out for the season on a few of my fav things. I may not be able to snowboard or ski this winter and this summer who knows maybe no volleyball or kayaking. Its all up in the air. I just wish i could go back to that day and never get into that car accident. I feel like i have lost some of the things that i love. Its hard for me to sit on the sideline and watch others do things i wish i could do. I miss having the option to say Yes to those things verses having no choice and saying NO cause i know it will hurt my shoulder or back. I miss just going out and doing things. I want to say yes again. I don't find joy in photography anymore either cause i have always done it while doing things i like. Now i cant get those shots i wanted to get out on the ski hills this year. I hate the slowness to my life right now. I want the ability to do things again. I miss playing sports and going out on the hills and sledding or boarding. Its been hard to see photos of these kinds of things thinking if i didn't get into the crash i could have been out there too! I feel like i don't know who i am any more....I'm not as active as i have been and i am tired of not doing things i loved. I want to be able to at least pick up my camera and have a bit of joy in taking photos again. I miss that feeling of turning something into a piece of art.Now I guess i need to learn how to take beautiful pictures from the sideline and not out in the mist of the action...I just don't know how to be that person...I just don't know who i am any more and i wish i did at this point.